Zombies Took My Daughter!

Zombies! As I've mentioned time and time again, I love 'em. While vampires sparkle and wolfmen lose their teeth, zombies amble on regardless, as cool today as they were when George A Romero popularised the modern zombie flick. So a game called Zombies Took My Daughter really can't fail to entertain, and thankfully it does just that.



Your daughter Anna is trapped somewhere in an infected city. Mutated ghouls roam the streets; you've got 36 hours to search for Anna and get her to safety. One of the coolest things about Zombies Took My Daughter is that the game map randomly changes every time you play, so you never experience the same levels twice. It also means that, no matter how experience you gain, there'll always be new surprises and challenges waiting for you.

The game features an abundance of mêlée weapons and firearms. While it's always satisfying to cave in a zombie's head with a Ming vase, however, my advice to find a shotgun and keep it fully loaded. The shotguns may not have much range but they make up for it with pure stopping power, taking down numerous ghouls in one shot.



You're not alone in the abandoned city. While the zombies are a given, you can also rescue other survivors, who will then help you clear out an area. This will save you ammo as well as reduce the risk of getting hurt. Dying is something you definitely don't want to do often. Every time you go down for the count, you lose two hours. Considering it can take one or two hours to reach each new destination via the subway system, that's time you can't afford to lose.



Thankfully, there are ways to cut down the search time. Examine dead bodies and you may find evidence of where Anna hasn't been spotted, eliminating numerous spots around town (and making one wonder how Anna got so popular that everyone in the city seemingly knows her.) There are also quests that you can complete, gathering a certain amount of supplies to eliminate a whole block from your search. These supplies aren't always in the easiest to reach spots, but then that's part of the challenge and the reward is definitely worth it if you want to get in and out of the city on time. Convicts are on the loose, and taking them down can earn you money you'll need for rope ladders and energy drinks.



While it's not the prettiest game in the world, Zombies Took My Daughter still has a certain charm. It's the sound effects that really get to you, though - hearing an undead mutant's pig squeal as it tears into your flesh isn't something you'll forget easily. It must be said that there's something very unnerving about watching a gang of zombies race towards you like you were slathered in BBQ sauce and you have only a crowbar with which to defend yourself.



Zombies Took My Daughter is a frighteningly addictive game - hell, I stopped writing this review at one point to have another go at it. If you platformers, shoot-'em-ups, puzzle games or zombies (or all four), then this is the game for you. Grab your hatchet and your AK-47 and take to the streets!

Death Penalty

Here we are, once again, in the Halloween season, and as has become custom I've caved and stuck to the general pattern that every other writer on the Internet has followed and tracked down a crappy Halloween-themed game to review. It seems to me that, more often than not, my Halloween pick has tended to have something to do with zombies. I'm not entirely sure why - perhaps it's the popularity of zombie movies and my own fondness for the genre that makes me gravitate towards them so much. There's also the fact that most zombie games tend to be violent shoot-'em-ups that allow the player to pile up huge numbers of bullet-riddled, undead corpses, which I for one can attest is quite cathartic after a long day.



Unfortunately, like so many zombie films, zombie games are an incredibly mixed bag. For every fun-filled romp like Zombie Hooker Nightmare, we get a dull and frustrating title like the subject of this week's review, Death Penalty. Taking its cues from the superior Zombie Baseball, which had you decapitating ghouls by smacking them with baseballs, Death Penalty goes for an English variation. You take on the role of a soccer player who has arrived to find the opposing team have succumbed to the zombie plague. As your team mate throws you balls from the sideline you try to land a well-placed volley into the faces of the deranged cannibals. The game is nice enough to let you play in your favourite team's colours, so I went with my childhood favourites Blackburn Rovers, figuring that if they got devoured no one would miss them.



The first level is a perfectly fine introduction to the finer points of play. Using the mouse you can move the player back and forth, and a click of the left mouse button will have him kick with all of his might. The trick is to time your kicks just right to get the maximum force behind the soccer ball, sending it across the pitch and into your undead opposition. And hey - while the game may have other faults, the controls work. Hitting the zombies won't really be much of a problem, and you can get a second kick of the ball if it bounces back towards you, effectively doubling the damage. You also have the ability, once per level, to kick a zombie in the balls and put it down permanently. I'm pretty sure that's a red card offence, but I guess the referee has more important things to worry about, like trying to find his missing liver.



So, I don't have anything bad to say about the actual gameplay. Once you've successfully completed a level, you get the opportunity to improve one of your stats, either kicking power or the speed with which your team mate throws in the balls. And as the game progresses you'll get new types of ball that will help you kill zombies faster. But it's from the second level onwards that things get a bit iffy.



At first impressions, it looks no worse than before. Naturally, there are more zombies, including one or two who climb out of the ground (what they were doing there in the first place, it's hard to say, but as far as I know the Stadium of Light isn't built on an Indian burial ground.) But really, it shouldn't be a huge problem - just make sure every shot counts and use the metal-plated ball for maximum damage. No, it shouldn't be that much harder than level one. And yet, it is - much harder, to be exact.

I don't think the zombies are moving any faster, nor are they any stronger. Indeed, I should have the advantage here, what with my upgrades. So how come I kept getting eaten again and again by the zombies? Well, the first reason could be because the stat upgrades are of little benefit. I tried increasing the speed of throw-ins - no luck. I tried upgrading the power of my kicks - same result. The metal ball certainly did a better job than the original leather one, but other than that I saw no significant change in skill between levels.



Another problem might have been the sheer idiocy of my team mate. Although I could move my character more than halfway across the game screen, the other guy only threw balls to the same spot. So if I can't control where the balls will be thrown, and if the guy throwing them only ever picks the same spot, what's the point of moving around? Sure, I guess it gives me a chance to kick the ball again, should it roll back to me, but other than that there's no real reason.

I wouldn't mind except, even when I'm trapped at the very edge of the screen and a zombie is bearing down on me, that son of a bitch still throws the ball to the same damn spot. What am I supposed to do, weave around the zombie? This isn't the FA Cup final - I don't really have that option!



I probably wouldn't get so annoyed about dying so often if there was some kind of save feature. Considering the overwhelming likelihood of death, having the chance to save the game or including a lives system would have been a godsend. Naturally, the developers of Death Penalty don't bother. So I was trapped in a vicious cycle, playing my way through the piss easy first level only to get chewed up (literally and figuratively) in the second. And if you do happen to get through level two, things don't get any better. From zombies wearing road cones over their heads to a weird combination of a soccer player and the Black Knight, you're not just thrown into the deep end - someone forces your head under the water and keeps it there. And of course, dying only means you're sent all the way back to square one.

I know for a fact that it is possible to make a decent game like this, and I know that there are plenty of zombie titles that entertain gamers the world over. But, once again, I have stumbled upon a putrid pile of rotting flesh, the electronic abomination that is Death Penalty. There's no fun, no scares, and no way I'll be going back to this game any time soon.

Christmas Zombie Defence

A special treat for all you Big Mean Flash Gamer fans - I will be posting two reviews today, as I will not be updating the blog at all next week. And in the spirit of goodwill, my second review will be of a game I actually *gasp!* like for a change.

But before I start fawning over a good game, I want to tear apart this very bad game - Christmas Zombie Defence.

Now, regular readers will know that I'm a big zombie fan, so a title like Christmas Zombie Defence... shit, that's the best title ever! Could you imagine the possibilities? Santa Claus with a katana in one hand and a .22 rifle in the other, blasting away at zombified elves in an effort to save the North Pole and Christmas for everyone. Hell, I could play that game all day!

Unfortunately, Christmas Zombie Defence is not that game. Basically, this is just a stripped-down version of regular Zombie Defence, but you play Santa, and all the zombies inexplicably wear Christmas hats.

Was I disappointed? Yeah, a little.



So these stick figure zombies walk towards you, and you shoot them with your gun. And for a handgun, it's got a hell of a range - in the early stages of the game you'll be clearing zombies right off the screen. Either that or Santa is one hell of a shot. But then, when you live in an area surrounded by polar bears, you gotta be tough.

The gun also has the longest clip known to mankind, as there's no need to reload, and your ammo is seemingly infinite. The result of this is that you can just run your mouse pointer up and down the screen, constantly clicking the left mouse button and mowing down everything that moves.

Oh, before I forget - the plot of the game (yeah, it has a plot) is that there's a party going on, and you have to defend it from the zombies. Let's just think about that for a moment. The zombie apocalypse has arrived, and people are more worried about getting their share of the eggnog. We are so doomed.

They must be partying pretty close to the Arctic Circle for Santa to be involved. Also, it gets dark frequently and quickly.



I'm guessing this is to add an extra challenge (or just a challenge, period)? It probably would have worked better if I wasn't still able to see everything, or if I wasn't just repeatedly firing in every direction anyway. You know what would have made this challenging? Limited ammo. You know, like in pretty much every other zombie game on the planet!

So what we're left with is a crappy-looking timewaster. And it doesn't even do that properly. You see, even little games that you play on your coffee break should have a point to them. There should be something to aim for - a crossword to complete, a puzzle to solve, a high score to attain. Christmas Zombie Defence provides none of those things. All it does is give you the opportunity to shoot zombies. Lots and lots of zombies. In silly hats.



711 zombies and I wasn't even trying! The only reason the game ended was because my finger was getting tired, and I'm not risking a hyperextended index finger for this piece of shit. Which leads me to another gripe - the Game Over screen is generic. I know I'm nitpicking, but it's really nothing more than a grey background with darker grey writing on it, and really that just won't do.



I didn't waste ten minutes of my life to see something that was made by an idiot with a copy of Paint Shop Pro who's just figured out how to use the Blur command. If you must play a Christmas zombie game... why would you want to play a Christmas zombie game? Didn't you just read this review?

Hungry Are The Dead

Considering the pain in the ass it has been trying to upload the screenshots somewhere - anywhere - for this review, expect much vitriol and rage. I was trying to think of what game I could review for this Halloween edition of Big Mean Flash Gamer, but when I saw Hungry Are The Dead, I knew there was no other choice. There are worse games out there, but this one caught my eye.

It's kind of sad, really, because I'm a huge zombie fan. In my view, the zombie is the greatest movie monster ever. They may not look much, but that's the beauty of zombies - you can outrun them, you can kill them by bashing their heads in, but once they have you cornered and surrounded, there's no escape. The zombies are the ultimate monsters because they never lose.

It also doesn't matter how ridiculous the premise of a zombie movie is, or how poor the acting. People really only want to see one thing, and that's hordes of the undead skulking across the landscape devouring helpless people who could defeat the zombies if they worked together, but instead fall apart. Anyway, you would think that, in the same way there's no chance you can screw up a zombie movie, nor is there any way to screw up a zombie game. But you'd be wrong.

Hungry Are The Dead seems promising enough (but then, don't they all?) You're stuck in the typical zombie survival situation, holed up in a house with a seemingly endless supply of ammo and even friggin' grenades. A nice addition to this game that I haven't seen elsewhere is the option to equip a laser sight to your rifle.



Well, gee, do I want to have pin-point accuracy when I blowing zombie heads clean off their necks? Sure, why not? Other games would have you work for this luxury, but as you'll soon discover, Hungry Are The Dead is not about providing a challenge. But before we go further, can anyone tell me what's wrong with this picture?



OK, so you managed to track down the only gun store in town that still stocked grenades, but you somehow forgot to put a door on your house? I know you can buy stuff later to improve your defences, but seriously, you're trying to tell me locking the front door just slipped your mind?

Anyway, you don't much time to think about it, because here come the zombies. Ah yes, time to get down to business!



What the fuck is that? OK, I get it, it's the first level, but you're really telling me this is all I have to deal with? Damn, no wonder I felt confident enough to keep the front door open. Indeed, for the first couple of levels you won't have to worry about more than two zombies on screen at a time. And with the laser sight to help you, it starts to become pretty ridiculous. There were times when I would kill ghouls that hadn't even appeared yet.

Eventually bigger, faster zombies, will appear. Some of my personal favourites were this guy:



And the dude in the orange shirt, who managed to hold onto his unconvincing wig despite having his face eaten off:



You'll notice some pretty bitchin' defences in those last few screenshots. At the end of every level you go to an upgrade screen, which allows you to increase the size of the clip in your rifle, the strength of your ammo, and purchase defences like barbed wire and mines. Yeah, that's right - frickin' mines.



You get money for every zombie you kill, and you can then use that cash to upgrade. I've always thought that was a little weird in zombie survival games. I mean, the entire world has been overrun with the living dead, yet some enterprising guy has managed to get all this crazy shit together and every day he runs around selling it to people. If/when the zombie apocalypse comes, I want to be that guy - ain't nobody fuckin' with him.

Anyway, the first thing you'll want to look into is increasing the clip size of your gun. The reason for this is because when you want to reload, you have to click on the big pile of bullets next to your character. Apparently it was beyond the ability of the developers to include a reload button on the keyboard - what the hell else is the R button for? If you have any money left over you can start buying all the iron fences and anti-personnel mines you like, but at the end of the day, quick reflexes and an amped-up rifle will be your best friends in this game.

So you go along, shooting zombies, upgrading weapons, shooting more zombies, playing with the grenades... and then it happens. You're four or five levels in, and all of a sudden here it comes, shuffling towards you:



A headless zombie.

A headless. Fucking. Zombie.

It doesn't matter how much or how little interest you have in the zombie subgenre. Everyone knows that there is no such thing as a headless zombie. It's impossible for a zombie to exist without a head. And yet there it is.

What the fuck am I supposed to shoot!?

Oh yeah, I shoot its body three times, and then it dies. I experimented a little later on, and I discovered that shooting any zombie three times in its torso will kill it. God damn it. George Romero would spin in his grave, if he was dead. Headless fucking zombies... I'm sorry, but how do you make a zombie game and mess up something that simple that badly?

Anyway, if you manage to keep playing despite that fuck-up, you'll quickly find that the game has no objective other than "shoot the zombies." Once you've upgraded both your weapons, once you've installed every defensive item you can, what do you do then? You shoot more zombies. There's no military unit coming to rescue you in a month, there's no super zombie that you have to defeat before you can make your escape to civilisation. You just sit there and shoot zombies - forever.

In the end I got bored of killing zombies before they even made it half way across the screen and started tossing grenades at them. The grenades are great because once you max them out, they explode like little H-bombs.



Ka-boom! And yeah, there's not much else to say. Oh, you do get zombie dogs after ten levels:



I don't know where you sit on the whole "zombie animals" debate. I guess I'm more on the Living Dead side of the argument, which says only humans can become zombies. But there's also the Resident Evil train of thought, which says it is capable for animals to become infected. Of course, Resident Evil fans also believe Milla Jovovich can act, so take any opinion they may have with a grain of salt.

Well, there'll come a a point, after you've killed your 529th ghoul or so, that you will realise this game is nothing more than a repetitive waste of your time. So what does one do when this happens? Simple: stop shooting and watch as the undead set off your explosives.



Sweet! I think I did pretty well - I played this piece of crap for a good thirty minutes before finally deciding to see what happens when the zombies get in. Well obviously, this:



That screen is actually more frightening than anything in the game, which is really depressing. But once you're dead, you get a final score that shows you how well you did.



Undead Champion! Yeah!

YEAH!

Oh man, this took me a good hour longer than I ever thought it would. I need to get away from my computer. OK, so in summation - this game sucks, don't play it, and have a happy Halloween.