Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Miley's Naughty Pics

I was going to review Miley's Naughty Pics last week but figured I would wait until the Miley Cyrus Vanity fair pictures were even less of a hot news item before doing so. Plus, last week's review was my first to appear on Way of the Geek, and I didn't want to come across as some kind of pervert in my first post. Now that I'm two weeks in, I figured coming across as a pervert would be fine.

I could rant long and hard about the furore created by Miley Cyrus appearing naked on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine, so I will. Quite frankly, that so many people got so upset by the image of a fifteen year old girl's back boggles the mind. It's almost as if people didn't realise that

1) Miley Cyrus is growing into a young woman; and
2) It was her fucking back.

If this is the reaction to a tasteful, artistic photograph, taken by an influential and well-respected photographer, what would the reaction have been to something truly shocking, like Miley naked, legs spread, with Scarlett Johansson between her thighs? Well, for one thing, I'd have become a lifetime subscriber to Vanity Fair, but that's beside the point (ahem.)

Anyway, I suppose I should review the game. Miley's Naughty Pics is an exact replica of another title produced by Addicting Games called Vanessa's Naughty Pics. Seriously, the only difference is the name in the title. I don't want to rip into Addicting Games too much, because they host some pretty entertaining stuff, but guys, come on - that game sucked the first time round. Do you really think changing the girl to someone who actually exists changes anything?

So, you play a paparazzo assigned with the task of taking photos of Miley Cyrus when she's at her most vulnerable, all in exchange for cold hard cash. Wow, way to make a sympathetic protagonist. You have a short amount of time in each level to take five pictures, and your goal is to make as much money as possible, so you can get to the final "money shot" of Cyrus modelling nude for you. Because somewhere along the way you went from being a scumbag with a camera to a real photographer.

Once you've received word of where Miley is going to be, you need to haul ass and take the pics. This is easily done with the mouse, clicking on Cyrus when you get her in shot. But be careful not to get her dad in the frame, or else it's game over! Personally, I think if Billy Ray Cyrus got caught by the paparazzi he'd be elated. I mean, "Achy Breaky Heart" and then years of watching your daughter make more money than you ever did - that's gonna hurt a man's pride.

Looks like we did good - there's the photo on the cover of Manatee Hair (see what they did there? Clever, wasn't it? No, it wasn't.) Which means we get more jobs and more chances to stalk and photograph a fifteen year old girl. The paparazzi get paid to do this. My uncle did it for free and he got sent to prison. (I kid, of course - he took pictures of boys.)

The next task is to photograph Miley relaxing in her living room. Woah, how the hell did you get in there? What teenage girl decorates her living room like that? And who the fuck is this guy posing on the floor? Sadly, we never learn the answer to these questions, nor the most important one at all - why did I play this game? Why, God damn it!?

And so it goes on and on, following Miley Cyrus around and photographing her when she's committing such heinous acts as eating sweets and sitting in her living room. Damn, for a supposed teenage tearaway, Miley Cyrus is pretty boring, isn't she?

What I find funny is that the editor of Manatee Hair thought nothing of my picture showing Miley French kissing another girl, yet she eats one lollipop and she's suddenly "completely wild." Next thing you know, she'll be touching the white stuff - that's right, sherbet!

And then that's it - after only three levels, it's time to go to the photoshoot and convince Miley to pose nude. I have some concerns, however. For one thing, that looks nothing like Miley Cyrus. I've seen pictures of Miley Cyrus, and not just the ones of her naked. This chick looks like some girl who just got off the bus from Arkansas and who dreams of becoming a big star, but who will spend the next six months acting as a fluffer on gonzo porn shoots.

By saying the right things to "Miley", you can get her to remove her clothes and strike that now infamous pose. If anything, this game proves just how utterly ridiculous it was that so many people took umbrage with the original photo. Not to mention, that's the worst rendering of the naked human form that I've ever seen outside of a twelve year old's notebook.

Someone's notion of what constitutes a "money shot" is different from mine, but whatever. I'm just glad the game and this review is over, so I can pretend like it never happened, just like Disney executives. I feel almost as embarrassed as Miley did by the Vanity Fair photos. But just like Ms Cyrus, I understood damn well what I was doing, and now I'm just going to have to deal with the consequences. Readers, don't be the Lindsay Lohan to my Britney Spears - learn from my mistakes, and don't play this pathetic, amateurish, moronic game.

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