Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Golden Arrow 3

It says a lot about a game when I only needed to capture six screenshots. Actually, it says only two things - it's short, and it's boring. Such is the case with Golden Arrow 3: The Remake.

I bullshit you not - the subtitle is actually "The Remake." That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this game and its developers. If you're too damn lazy to come up with anything better than "The Remake", what hope is there of the game being any good?

OK, so I'll make it clear right now - Golden Arrow 3 is not the worst game I've ever played. But considering I've played way too many shitty games in my time, that's not saying much. At least it looks good - but then, you're going to be looking at this same background for the duration of the game, so it better.

Yeah, that's right, when it comes to Golden Arrow 3, what you see is what you get. Practice mode and the game itself are the exact same thing.

Just so we're clear, this is Practice mode. The only differences between this and the game are that the bonus score meter doesn't run down, and your score isn't recorded. If you weren't too bothered about earning some sort of high score or winning a medal at the competition, you could just play this, and it wouldn't be a whole lot different.

You have two markers that follow your mouse pointer around. The first shows you the direction your arrow will take. The second, a small circle, shows you the general area that your arrow will land. Basically what this means is you can hit bullseyes all day without even having to try.

You'd need the hand/eye co-ordination of a retarded monkey to miss the inner circle. I couldn't see any way to turn off the red circle, so I suppose the only way to make the game more challenging would be blindfold yourself, or maybe drop some acid and attempt a bullseye while the walls melt around you.

[NOTE: Big Mean Flash Gamer does not condone the use of acid while playing shitty internet games. Kids, just say no. :)]

Shit yeah, great shot! I'm the archery master!

So once you've gotten used to the controls (Jesus, you just click to fire, I really didn't need a practice mode to learn that!) check out the actual game. You'll barely notice the difference, believe me. But that's cool - I mean, this is only the first level, right? No doubt there are many contests, each one harder than the last.

There isn't? Bollocks. This game does suck.

I just wanted to include that screenshot because I scored a bullseye on the furthest target. I was pretty proud of myself. I probably would have been prouder had it meant a God damn thing. So anyway, I fire my six arrows (why six?) After owning, nay, pwning this game, what is my reward?

Silver? Fucking silver!? You've got to be kidding me! What a fucking crock of horse crap.

The sad thing is, Golden Arrow 3, as the name implies, is the third in a series of games. I decided to see what Golden Arrow 1 and 2 were like. I mean, if this is the third in the series, how much must they suck?

Well, actually, they were better. OK, not better, but certainly more challenging. You don't get the little red circle in the game, so you have to keep a closer eye on wind direction. But the basics of the game are still the same. Fire arrows; get score; repeat. You don't even get a bullshit medal in the first two, just the option to play again. How could anyone think this game deserved two sequels? How could they think it deserved one? Golden Arrow 3 looks nice and the animation is smooth, but overall it's a pile of donkey balls.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Little Boy Adventure

And we are back! Yes, after my PC died on me, I was sadly unable to post reviews of shitty games. I know my fans, both of them, were sad to hear that. But cry no more, for the Big Mean Flash gamer is back with a vengeance, and my God what a crappy game do I have for you today.

Little Boy Adventure fucking sucks. Really hard. I mean, take a giant jar of honey, pour it over your penis and then stick it down a hole full of fire ants. That will be more fun than playing Little Boy Adventure.

So yeah, it sucks. First of all, what the fuck is this!?

Man, if you thought Bomb's gratuitous display of naked boy ass was bad, this blows it right out of the water. You've got to assume that's the little boy of the title, right? So why is he naked? And why are balls so fucking big?

Oh, for the love of God...

Anyway, the little boy finds clothes just in time to start the game. And what a game - a perpetually moving side scroller with no end. You just run from left to right killing bad guys and collecting coins. There is no end of level boss, as far as I'm aware. In fact, there's not even a story to give you any reason for attacking a never ending horde of Vikings with hammers.

This picture could be taken from any point in the game. Nothing changes - not the background, not the enemies, nothing. The controls suck, too. It doesn't help that the collision detection is almost non-existant. Hell, maybe that's not the problem. Maybe the problem is you don't know if you're standing in front of an enemy or off to one side of him, meaning you'll miss your strike, and then he'll knock you on your ass.

Something I didn't discover until I'd played a couple of times was a bug that made you invincible but which also completely froze any and all movement:

I should be dead, but it seems all enemies simply pass through me now. Or I pass through them. Oh, who the fuck cares? One way or another, I'm still sitting there, watching a little retarded kid who likes to take his clothes off lugging around a sword that's bigger than him, and stealing money from Vikings. That's how you know this kid's a moron - no one in their right mind would fuck with a Viking.

Thinking about it, that naked picture in the menu could be seen as a metaphor for the the game that follows - stripped of gameplay, stripped of motivation, so that we're left with nothing but balls. It sucks so badly I don't even have the words. It's an abomination and an insult to good taste and decency (I have neither taste nor decency, and even I'm offended.)

But you know what the worst thing is? Worse than this shitty game, its shitty premise and its shitty programming?

Its shitty sequel!

Not content with raping our eyes once, the developer saw fit to force a sequel to this awful game upon us. On the bright side, the little boy keeps his clothes on this time. Oh, and there's an end of level boss - that you can't beat!

Bravo to whoever came up with that. Just when I thought you couldn't fuck up any more, you outdo yourself. These games are so bad I feel physically ill, so I better step away before I vomit all over my new laptop.

Monday, November 19, 2007

If you thought I was pissed before...

You'll no doubt have noticed there were no updates last week. that is because my computer has died. I will be back soon, as cranky and foul-mouthed as ever. Until then, watch this.


Sunday, November 11, 2007

This Is Madness

Oh man - it has not been a good week. My wireless broadband has been unreliable at best (indeed, for a time yesterday I was unsure whether I'd even be able to post this review.) I am still unemployed, and the fact that I haven't been getting to the gym too often recently is starting to show. But worst of all, I've had to play This Is Madness.

This Is Madness was developed as an homage to the Madness games. What are they? Well, you play a rectangle with a head, and you kill other rectangles with heads using a variety of firearms and mêlée weapons. Sometimes you wear a funny hat.

OK, I know that doesn't sound like much, but the Madness games are pretty entertaining, and a good way to kill ten minutes. This Is Madness, however, just sucks. But all right, credit where credit is due:

That loading screen is pretty badass. And the menu is also cool.

Rather than just a traditional list of options, you move your character around on screen and go into different rooms, depending on what you want to see or do. It's not something that you see every day, so I'll applaud the developers for doing something a little different. It's just a shame they didn't spend the same amount of time building a good game.

Anyway, they do a pretty good job of easing you into the game, and letting you get used to the controls. Which is nice, especially since you'll later learn how poor these controls are. You use W, A and D to move around, mouse to aim and shoot, and the Q and E buttons to cycle through your weapons. You start with a knife and a pistol. You have 70 rounds for the pistol in the beginning, and while that may seem like a lot, you'll soon see it's barely enough.

This is the start of Level One. You'll see these little blocks of gold around the levels, and you have to collect them in order to open a door at the end of each level. Most locked doors require a key. Some, if you're playing an RPG, might need a spell, but usually it's a key. These doors take gold. I don't know who I'm supposed to be fighting, but I don't think I should be too worried about their intelligence if they decided the doors in their secret evil base should be controlled by chunks of gold. Talk about overheads, right?

Regardless, you collect the gold and head towards the end of the level. You meet plenty of enemies along the way, determined to either stab you or fill you with more lead than a Chinese-made action figure. Fortunately you have your pistols. Unfortunately, you can't shoot for shit. I figured the easiest way to hit the bad guys would be to hover my mouse pointer over them and let loose with a few shots. But even when you're pointing your weapon straight at them, half your shots will go wildly off course. You know, if you're going to infiltrate a secret underground base, you should at least go down to the shooting range a couple of times so you know what you're doing. Fortunately when the bad guys die they'll either drop some ammo:

Or sometimes a medical kit, which will give you an often much-needed health boost:

Oh God. Just look at the colour scheme they've got going on here. It's nothing but grey and horrible, drab purple. It's depressing to look at. It's even more depressing to learn that it never changes. Every level, no matter how far you get in this game, uses those same colours.

But anyway, yeah, you keep running around, collecting gold and shooting bad guys. And you spend a long time shooting bad guys. I don't mean, you spend a long time shooting bad guys because there are so many of them. That would be fun. I mean, you can be standing right next to an enemy, unloading a clip in his face, and it will still take six bullets to put him down. These guys are like Terminators, or something - superhuman killing machines.

Do you know how many bullets it took to kill that guy? Too many! And there's nowhere for you to hide while your blasting at each other. You just have to stand there and shoot. It's just some awful war of attrition, shooting each other for God know how long until one of us drops.

And if you do make it through, what's your reward? Another bad guy! often, they'll just appear out of nowhere, too. Either that or they'll drop from platforms higher up in their desire to kill you. They manage to survive seventy-five foot drops and run to you, guns blazing.

Definitely Terminators.

But man, I haven't even told you half the story. As I mentioned, the controls suck. They're far too sensitive, and your character slides all over platforms. As well as that, there's the small problem of bouncing off every wall you happen to bump into!

You also can't jump very high, meaning you end up in situations like this:

I spent the better part of thirty seconds jumping up and down, taking pot shots at the guy above me until he finally dropped. Now I want my reward for sending him to his maker: twenty measly bullets for my pistol. But I can't get up there. I spend another two minutes doing everything I can to jump up onto that platform and get that ammo, but I'm not getting up there. That ammunition is staying right where it is, taunting me, because my vertical jump just isn't good enough.

And the worst thing? Even worse than that?

It happens again in the next level!

God fucking damn it to hell!!

Why make platforms that you can't reach? There's no way to jump up there and get the medikit. There's even a friggin' hole in the ground to make the jump that much more difficult. And don't think I can use that crate to make things any easier. Those crates may as well be painted on the wall because they're of no use whatsoever. You can't push them, you can't hide behind them, you can't even stand on them. They exist only to break up the drab interior - and they're dark green, so they don't even do that.

Since it's impossible to kill everything without wasting half of your ammunition, you'll soon find yourself down to your knife, which isn't much fun when your opponents all have assault rifles. Why can't I have an assault rifle? Oh, that's right, they cost too much at the shop.

Oh yes, the good old weapons shop, the staple of every online platform shooter. It's here that you can use the gold you collected to buy weapons and ammunition. But check out those prices!

If you want to buy any heavy duty weaponry you're going to have to kill everything that moves and pick up every last iota of gold, and that's just not possible when you have six guys carrying machine guns bearing down on you. Indeed, I quickly discovered that a hasty retreat was the best route to survival.

When you reach the store, you know you're about to meet the boss. And as far as bosses go, this one is a little different. (By the way, the following screenshot is actually the second fight with the boss. I would have gone back and captured a screenshot from the first fight, but I'll be damned if I'm ever playing this fucking game again.)

Yep - the evil genius behind this facility is a cowboy. He's got a big hat, and a big gun. He's also got a big fist, and if you get anywhere near him he'll punch you.

Seriously, that's his biggest weapon. Your character can get shot twenty-seven times in the chest with an AK-47, but God damn, don't let that guy punch you!

Should you manage to avoid the Evil Punch of Doom, the boss will run away. Chase after him and you will find...

The same shit you just went through! Nothing has changed in the slightest. Same crappy colour scheme. Same stupid platforms. Same moronic bad guys.

I mean, look at this!

He knows I'm there, so he decided the best idea would be to shoot though the ceiling. Gonna try to hit me through fifteen feet of concrete, huh? Yeah, good luck with that.

This dead dude at my feet? I didn't kill him. No, there's a guy above me throwing grenades around with wild abandon, and he happened to catch his buddy instead. Good God, these guys are stupid.

Not as stupid as me, of course. Because I still think there's a point to this game. I still think I can win. And then I see this:

Remembering what I said about sliding all over platforms, how difficult do you think this level is? Keep in mind that the controls are super sensitive. Yeah. This level is almost impossible. I won't say it is impossible, because I did, eventually, get past it. But I almost gave myself an aneurysm in the process.

But then, what should I expect from a game that's clearly designed to make sure you never win?

Mines, gunmen, tiny little platforms - I am not supposed to win this game! I am not supposed to have gotten this far. How vindictive must a computer programmer be to design levels such as this? They want to make you suffer, and you will like it.

You're probably saying to yourself, "Oh, he just doesn't like a challenge." I do like a challenge, but this isn't challenging - it's downright torture! You'll try to make the same jumps again and again and watch as your ammo and health are depleted by a never ending wave of enemies that appear out of nowhere. And there's no escape! There's no pause button, no option to give up. You just have to keep playing until you die or you win, and you'll never win.

This Is Madness? This is bullshit!

Wednesday, November 7, 2007


I might get some flak for reviewing Intruder, because as far as games go, this one isn't so bad. A point and click thriller , it has divided opinion, and I personally see a lot of problems with it. You might call this nitpicking, but hey - I'm a gamer, that's what I do.

Oh, first thing's first:

If you're young, weak of heart, or have never watched the nine o'clock news, you better log off now, because we're about to get hardcore up in here. The subtitle to Intruder is "Help your friends and don't make a sound!" Except every time you move or open a door or pick something up, you make a ton of noise. What are you even doing anyway? Oh yeah, your friend Sarah has called you sounding very distraught. There's someone in the house, and you're the only person she could think of to call.

OK, Sarah? The number is 9-1-1. They make it very simple, so even an idiot could dial it. Then again, your character may be a cop. Anyway, time is of the essence, so you drive to the house and-

Wait, you're not even within walking distance of the house? If this was real life, your friends would all be dead by the time you got there, surely? But this isn't real life, this is a game, so I should just let it slide.

I must admit, everything is very well drawn, but the game is dark as hell. You can't even admire the black and white artwork because it's always shrouded in shadow.

I mean, look at this!

Aren't there any lights on this street? Why go to all the trouble of these very detailed images if the player can barely see anything? Is it supposed to be scary? Well, it's not!

Look, I'll save you some time here and tell you that you go around the house and enter through the back yard. But before you do that, you need to go the garage. If you find yourself lost or stuck, the developers have handily provided a map of the house, along with hints and tips which more often than not completely remove any challenge.

Yeah, just fumble around in the garage while some maniac carves up your buddies. You find a couple of batteries - gee, I wonder what I'll use these for?

After you leave the garage you head up to the back porch, where a flashlight just happens to be. And wouldn't you know, this flashlight takes the exact type of batteries you found in the garage! What a coincidence!

All right, I know, that's nothing to complain about, not really. Better to complain about the fact that the porch is so friggin' dark, you can barely see the flashlight in the first place!

Where the fuck is it!? Well, eventually you find it, and you can finally enter the house. Your first port of call is the laundry room, for some reason. Unfortunately, despite your brand new torch, you still happen to hit a tin of cat food and make some noise. Oh no, the intruder is coming! At this point you have to decide what you're going to do, and you get to choose from three options.

If you picked "Meow like a cat", congratulations - you're still alive. And to think - they laughed at you for spending all that money on animal impersonation lessons!

Oh, I should add at this point that the reason you enter the laundry room is because you'll find the first half of a pin code in there, casually thrown in the trash - the same trash that the cat just happened to be rummaging through.

I don't know about you guys, but I can make out the third digit as well. I think it's safe to assume it's a 2. So we're really just looking for one more number. Don't worry, we'll find it soon enough.

Anyway, we move into the kitchen, and God damn it, it's still really fucking dark!

They should have just made this a text adventure, it would have been no more difficult and saved them a lot of time. You pick up a couple of things, here. First there's a knife, but don't go thinking you can just sneak up on the intruder and stick him like you used to do on Riker's. Also of note is a calender. Hmm, calenders have numbers on them, don't they?

One of these dates is significant. Hey... you don't think it's the only date with a big black circle around it, do ya?

As you move further along, you soon find the pantry, which just happens to have a doorway down into the cellar. And wouldn't you know it, this door is currently shut tight with a combination lock.

Oh man, I wonder what the numbers are? (We're drowning in sarcasm here!)

Head down into the cellar and you'll find a fuse box. It should be incredibly obvious to all but the most moronic what you do here. Hell, they even point it out to you on the map.

OK, so you return the power to the house and all the lights come on. How were they turned off to begin with? The fuse box is down here in the cellar, the door of which was locked. Clearly no powerlines were cut because everything is back on, so what happened here? Unless the intruder happens to possess the skills of the Jedi, I don't see how he managed to flip this switch without physically being in the room.

Come to think of, he is pretty Darth Vader-like.

Check this shit out: the lights are on, everything is bright and visible, but this guy's still completely black. Is he wearing some sort of cloaking device? Is he a ninja?

A Jedi ninja. You might as well give up now.

Regardless, he's moved away from you (which is strange - I would have thought that he'd start to suspect that maybe someone else was in the house at this point.) Make your way down the hall and into the office and... *gasp!*

Oh noes is right! Scott is dead! Why!? Not Scott! Anyone but Scott! Oh, cruel hand of fate, why did you strike down one such as Scott!?

Remind me to pour one out for my dead homie when all this is over.

Scott may have been slashed from ear to ear, but that doesn't mean you can't root around through his stuff. Before that, though, his mobile will get a text, and you have to hide before the intruder finds you. But yeah, once you're done fucking around with that, jimmy Scott's drawer open with the knife. Sure, you'll lose the knife, but now you'll be packing!

Now we're talkin'! We never really got to know Scott, but it's still surprising to find some heavy-duty weaponry in his desk. That text was from Sarah; she's locked herself in the bedroom with the other gun. The other gun? Jesus - Scott and Sarah are straight up gangsta!

Don't bother checking the computer - all you'll find is some stupid maze game that you have to play or else attract the attention of the intruder. Yeah, I don't have time for a psychopath wielding a butcher's knife, I have to finish Scott's game. Hey - it's what he would have wanted.

We head further down the hallway and discover just how dumb the intruder actually is:

I don't know about you, but if I was lying in wait for somebody, I probably wouldn't stand just inside a doorway so that my shadow is reflected off the far wall every time lightning strikes. But hey, this guy's a professional, he must know what he's doing. Or not - I swung in there and unloaded a clip on him. Somehow he manages to hit you and run off. You're a bit shaky, but it's OK. You gotta take this guy out now, though!

He's in one of these rooms. Choose wisely, for the wrong decision now could mean your death!

No it won't. You can just leave and go into the other room. I would have thought the intruder would have tried stabbing you in the back. But apparently not - this particular nutjob has a lot of respect for fair play. That's nice of him. But I'm still going to blow his head off. And even though my shooting arm is kind of shaky, I still manage to do it with some ease.

That one's for Scott, bitch! You notice he had in his hand the key to Sarah's bedroom. Wait, he had it this whole time? And he just figured he'd skulk around the house for a while first? What kind of serial killer is this? A dumbass serial killer, that's what.

So yeah, you head back down the hallway and unlock the bedroom door. You don't knock on it or perhaps shout, "Sarah, it's me, Edgar." (I don't actually know what his name is, but Edgar's as good as any.) No, you just unlock the door and barge right in. So you really shouldn't be surprised when this happens:

You have three choices - shoot her first, tackle her to the ground, or let her shoot you. Apparently, the dumbest choice is actually the right one. Because she had blanks in her gun. You remember the box of blanks in Scott's desk? Yeah, that's what happened to them! Wow, good thing they only own one box of real bullets and one box of blanks, huh? And it's really good that Sarah is illiterate, or else she probably would have read the word "Blanks" in bold type on that box, and loaded her gun with the others.

Unlike Sarah, you are capable of calling the police, and they arrive quickly. You're both safe, but not for long, it would seem. Because you suddenly get a mysterious call on your phone. "Next time you kill someone, you better make sure they're dead." What?

Oh no! That's not possible! How is he still alive!?

No, seriously. That's not possible. How is he still alive? I'm no doctor, but I would have thought shooting someone at point blank range in the forehead would be enough to put them down for good. Wouldn't he be missing the back of his head? And how'd he get my number anyway?

So the intruder, it seems, was an immortal Jedi ninja. Thinking about it like that, I was actually lucky to beat this game!

OK, OK, so it's not a particularly bad game, but that doesn't mean it's a good one. While it looks pretty, there is no challenge here. This is why so many games are shitty - they're either too easy or too difficult. I want a game that I can beat, but I don't want it to be a walk in the park. Intruder has a lot of potential but falls way short of the mark.

Sunday, November 4, 2007


This is my third review for Big Mean Flash Gamer, and it was while compiling the screenshots for this piece that I realised something. So far, all of the games I've reviewed have been released through Armor Games. This is a little strange because, for as long as I can remember, I've loved the Armor Games website, and they've produced some of my favourite online games.

But it has become increasingly clear to me that they've released more than their fair share of dreck in recent times, and it is with a heavy heart that I have to add Bomb to the list of games that suck giant donkey balls.

Bomb is described on the Hallpass website as a "good remake of classic Bombermen." This is misleading on two counts. One, there is nothing good about this game. And two, this is not a Bomberman remake. Oh, there are bombs, all right, and you do spend a lot of time blowing up walls, but that's about the only similarities between this and Bomberman. If you really want a Bomberman clone, go play Pyromasters. It looks better, plays better, and is more fun than Bomb could ever be.

But I digress. There are a few things about Bomb that I actually like. Unfortunately, all of these things happen before the first level. First of all, how can anybody not like this section about the developer?

Wow, he doesn't even know who he is. And evidently, he doesn't know how to make a decent game, either. The instructions are simple enough, but have one glaring typo:

OK, so you can see that too, right? It says "Put a pomp" - I'm not losing my vision here, am I? Please tell me that "pomp" is the Chinese word for "bomb."

Things get no better as you watch the intro to the game itself. In fact, at one point, things get downright weird.

"Oh my gosh"? I'll say - aliens are invading and your bunk mate is fucking naked. I came here to blow up stuff; now I'm looking at some boy's naked ass. I can think of much stronger phrases for this picture than "oh my gosh."

So naturally, you walk outside to see what the hell is going on, and you get confronted by the monster from Little Shop of Horrors.

He's in your presence? My God, the nerve of that guy! Well, I'm sorry, your Highness, but he just travelled across the galaxy, you'll have to excuse him for not remembering his manners. Why don't you go back to your naked buddy and cut the plant creature some slack?

Well, at that point you find that the house is missing and you're in some weird dimension with monsters everywhere. Wait, I thought aliens were invading? And where did you find all those bombs anyway?

We have no time to answer such logical questions - there's bombing to be done! You start off in some green field. There are rocks that you can't destroy, and plants that you can. Your job is to go around the playing area and kill everything that moves.

This plant was strolling back and forth between the bushes when you swept in, tossed an incendiary device into his path and blew him to kingdom come. Yay for you. I must say, the cartoonish animation does look pretty sweet, and the explosions are impressive. But everything moves so incredibly slowly, including your character. I think if I was running around, throwing bombs with short fuses at monsters, I'd move as fast as I can. Not this guy though. Oh no, he's all man - he don't give a shit about no bombs and monsters!

Anyway, kill all the monsters (which isn't difficult at all) and you start to bounce around happily:

Yay! You get the opportunity to buy items like more health, extra bombs, etc. You can buy magic, which you'll never use, and timebombs, which you will, but we'll get to that in a moment. First of all, I want to talk about the second level, and more, specifically, this section:

Not content with being a poor Bomberman clone, it also attempts to rip off Frogger - the difference being, of course, that Frogger is still fun after all these years. You can blow up all the hedges around you, if you want, and uncover some power ups. After that, it's down to the bottom half of the level.

I want you to look at this screenshot and wonder at how difficult this could have been. You're going into an enclosed area full of monsters, with only one way in or out. You're gonna need fast reflexes and a whole lot o' luck, right?

Of course not! These fuckers move as quickly as arthritic snails! And they're all bunched together so you can take out two or three at a time. Ninety seconds later, it's back to the shop.

There's plenty I could buy right now, but the time bombs will be the most useful item for level three. Level three looks like it should be the simplest of the lot, but looks can be deceiving, and this level pissed me off more times than I want to share.

You have this square of bushes on the left hand side, and you have to blow them up so that they resemble the X made of stones on the right hand side. Sounds easy enough. But on three sides of that square is a single path that you have to run up and down until you make some space for yourself. This is why I got the time bombs - if I'd just used normal bombs, I would gotten caught in the blast. And the really annoying thing is that once you get caught, you get sucked back into the fucking bomb, so you lose all of your health and have to start the level all over again. And you better be damn careful about where you place your bombs, because the last thing you want is to get all the way around, drop a bomb in the wrong place and completely fuck up the pattern. Do that and you have to begin again. This is so frustrating I can't even begin to tell you. What is the point of this level? What do I achieve from it? I came here to blow up plant creatures, now I'm doing some form of extreme landscape gardening.

With a little patience, you'll make the X shape and get to face the first boss. And look at this guy - it's fucking huge!

On top of that, it spawns smaller monsters, so you have to look out for them as well. This is going to be a battle of epic proportions!

Wait, where's it going?

Apparently, there's nothing this monster fears more than a ten-year-old boy with highly unstable explosives in his pocket. It moves off to the right of the screen and stays there, allowing you to amble over, plant a few bombs, and then walk away to safety. I've dealt with a lot of crap because of this game, but bugs in the boss level are about all I can take.

I didn't want to play any more, but even if I did, I had no choice in the matter. Each level took forever to load, but after that first boss fight, it didn't want to load at all. And it's not just because my computer is a piece of shit. This game is just bugged to hell.

This is the last screenshot I was able to get:

There's nothing going on here. The words are flashing, the monsters just sit there and die, and I can't move. I'm not really pissed off - I hated the game anyway, and only would have spent even longer ripping into it. I'm just really disappointed. This isn't just any old flash game - this is an Armor Game! Armor games don't have this many bugs in them. This is the biggest slur on the name of an otherwise reliable company. The maker of Bomb should be ashamed of himself for making such a shitty game, and the guys at Armor should be ashamed for putting their name on it.