Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Golden Arrow 3

It says a lot about a game when I only needed to capture six screenshots. Actually, it says only two things - it's short, and it's boring. Such is the case with Golden Arrow 3: The Remake.

I bullshit you not - the subtitle is actually "The Remake." That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this game and its developers. If you're too damn lazy to come up with anything better than "The Remake", what hope is there of the game being any good?

OK, so I'll make it clear right now - Golden Arrow 3 is not the worst game I've ever played. But considering I've played way too many shitty games in my time, that's not saying much. At least it looks good - but then, you're going to be looking at this same background for the duration of the game, so it better.

Yeah, that's right, when it comes to Golden Arrow 3, what you see is what you get. Practice mode and the game itself are the exact same thing.

Just so we're clear, this is Practice mode. The only differences between this and the game are that the bonus score meter doesn't run down, and your score isn't recorded. If you weren't too bothered about earning some sort of high score or winning a medal at the competition, you could just play this, and it wouldn't be a whole lot different.

You have two markers that follow your mouse pointer around. The first shows you the direction your arrow will take. The second, a small circle, shows you the general area that your arrow will land. Basically what this means is you can hit bullseyes all day without even having to try.

You'd need the hand/eye co-ordination of a retarded monkey to miss the inner circle. I couldn't see any way to turn off the red circle, so I suppose the only way to make the game more challenging would be blindfold yourself, or maybe drop some acid and attempt a bullseye while the walls melt around you.

[NOTE: Big Mean Flash Gamer does not condone the use of acid while playing shitty internet games. Kids, just say no. :)]

Shit yeah, great shot! I'm the archery master!

So once you've gotten used to the controls (Jesus, you just click to fire, I really didn't need a practice mode to learn that!) check out the actual game. You'll barely notice the difference, believe me. But that's cool - I mean, this is only the first level, right? No doubt there are many contests, each one harder than the last.

There isn't? Bollocks. This game does suck.

I just wanted to include that screenshot because I scored a bullseye on the furthest target. I was pretty proud of myself. I probably would have been prouder had it meant a God damn thing. So anyway, I fire my six arrows (why six?) After owning, nay, pwning this game, what is my reward?

Silver? Fucking silver!? You've got to be kidding me! What a fucking crock of horse crap.

The sad thing is, Golden Arrow 3, as the name implies, is the third in a series of games. I decided to see what Golden Arrow 1 and 2 were like. I mean, if this is the third in the series, how much must they suck?

Well, actually, they were better. OK, not better, but certainly more challenging. You don't get the little red circle in the game, so you have to keep a closer eye on wind direction. But the basics of the game are still the same. Fire arrows; get score; repeat. You don't even get a bullshit medal in the first two, just the option to play again. How could anyone think this game deserved two sequels? How could they think it deserved one? Golden Arrow 3 looks nice and the animation is smooth, but overall it's a pile of donkey balls.

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