Sunday, November 25, 2007

Little Boy Adventure

And we are back! Yes, after my PC died on me, I was sadly unable to post reviews of shitty games. I know my fans, both of them, were sad to hear that. But cry no more, for the Big Mean Flash gamer is back with a vengeance, and my God what a crappy game do I have for you today.

Little Boy Adventure fucking sucks. Really hard. I mean, take a giant jar of honey, pour it over your penis and then stick it down a hole full of fire ants. That will be more fun than playing Little Boy Adventure.

So yeah, it sucks. First of all, what the fuck is this!?

Man, if you thought Bomb's gratuitous display of naked boy ass was bad, this blows it right out of the water. You've got to assume that's the little boy of the title, right? So why is he naked? And why are balls so fucking big?

Oh, for the love of God...

Anyway, the little boy finds clothes just in time to start the game. And what a game - a perpetually moving side scroller with no end. You just run from left to right killing bad guys and collecting coins. There is no end of level boss, as far as I'm aware. In fact, there's not even a story to give you any reason for attacking a never ending horde of Vikings with hammers.

This picture could be taken from any point in the game. Nothing changes - not the background, not the enemies, nothing. The controls suck, too. It doesn't help that the collision detection is almost non-existant. Hell, maybe that's not the problem. Maybe the problem is you don't know if you're standing in front of an enemy or off to one side of him, meaning you'll miss your strike, and then he'll knock you on your ass.

Something I didn't discover until I'd played a couple of times was a bug that made you invincible but which also completely froze any and all movement:

I should be dead, but it seems all enemies simply pass through me now. Or I pass through them. Oh, who the fuck cares? One way or another, I'm still sitting there, watching a little retarded kid who likes to take his clothes off lugging around a sword that's bigger than him, and stealing money from Vikings. That's how you know this kid's a moron - no one in their right mind would fuck with a Viking.

Thinking about it, that naked picture in the menu could be seen as a metaphor for the the game that follows - stripped of gameplay, stripped of motivation, so that we're left with nothing but balls. It sucks so badly I don't even have the words. It's an abomination and an insult to good taste and decency (I have neither taste nor decency, and even I'm offended.)

But you know what the worst thing is? Worse than this shitty game, its shitty premise and its shitty programming?

Its shitty sequel!

Not content with raping our eyes once, the developer saw fit to force a sequel to this awful game upon us. On the bright side, the little boy keeps his clothes on this time. Oh, and there's an end of level boss - that you can't beat!

Bravo to whoever came up with that. Just when I thought you couldn't fuck up any more, you outdo yourself. These games are so bad I feel physically ill, so I better step away before I vomit all over my new laptop.

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