This is something of a departure for me. Christmas aside, I spend just about every week tearing into a game I think sucks, and I've never seen much reason to change that. This week, however, I will not be focusing on a crappy game. Having extensively played Celebrity Pedigree I am happy to report that it isn't bad at all. No, this game is simply terrifying.
Just when I think I've seen it all, the Internet spits something new in my face. Celebrity Pedigree might just be the most twisted thing I've yet to come across, and when you've seen some of the other titles it's been my misfortune to play, that's really saying something.
All right, I'll try to explain. You have some kennels, and these kennel contains some dogs. But these aren't just any old dogs; these dogs all have the faces of celebrities. Each of these celebrity dogs has their own strengths and weaknesses, and by carefully breeding different types you can theoretically make more advanced celebrity dogs.
OK, so let's give this a try. I decided to breed Paris Hilton dog (who looks way more attractive than her human counterpart - oh my God...) with Jeremy Clarkson dog. I figured if she was willing to screw that plain-looking semi-retarded guy in that sex tape, she'd be willing to screw a Top Gear presenter.
The result is... well, as you would expect. Part of the fun in playing Celebrity Pedigree is seeing what traits the new puppies' faces will take. This puppy just looks homely. Others can leave scars on your mind that will never truly heal.
You can keep up to ten dogs in your kennels, but be warned - each new pooch adds to your running costs. You have to make sure you have a good selection of breeds while keeping your costs under budget.
Naturally, breeding the same dogs with each other again and again will dilute the pedigree, and you'll end up with runts like Chris Moyles dog here. I think that's a little unfair to Moyles; I always found his radio show entertaining (when I was fourteen.)
By selling some of your dogs, you can raise the funds to buy new breeds. Here in the marketplace you'll find every B- and C-List celebrity that you could imagine. Everyone from Peaches Geldof to Russell Brand are included. Even Barack Obama has been turned into a dog - though not, if I remember correctly, a Portuguese water dog, which i thought would have been obvious.
I was eventually able to work my way up to the heights of rock 'n' roll royalty by buying Bono dog. While talented, this particular breed has a habit of considering itself the overbearing leader of the pack and has a nasty tendency to yap incessantly out of its arse. I tried putting Bono dog with one of my cross breeds, and the results were far from pretty.
GET THAT FUCKING THING AWAY FROM ME.
Celebrity Pedigree is like some terrible combination of erotic fan fiction and animal husbandry. If you've ever asked yourself, "I wonder what it would look like if Snoop Dogg and Lily Allen had a baby, and they were both dogs?" here's your chance to finally find out. The only thing scarier than that mental image is the knowledge that Nigella Lawson still looks hot even when her head is grafted onto the body of a dalmatian.
I need help.