Wolfi Trip

I should probably tell you that I have a bit of a headache, so if I'm not my usual cheerful self that's why. Still, I should take solace in knowing that no matter how much my head hurts I am not suffering the kind of vigorous mind fucking that spawned this week's gaming abomination, Wolfi Trip.

Despite what the title and menu screen might make you believe, this is not some kind of murder mystery, nor are we about to experience the world through the eyes of an 18th Century opium addict (though you'd be forgiven for thinking you are.) Wolfi Trip asks the question on precisely one person's mind: if Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart had a nightmare, what would it be like? The answer, apparently, is a poorly rendered, poorly designed platform game that crimps most of its visuals from other, better titles.



Wolfi Trip was created by a computer scientist who should therefore know better. You play Mozart, jumping around four flat, uninspiring levels collecting seven musical keys to complete the game. Naturally, since this is a nightmare, you have all sorts of demons, ghosts, floating heads and pigs chasing you. There isn't much of an explanation as to why you just can't wake up and forget all about this shitty dream, but then I suppose there wouldn't be much of a game if you had that option, and since there isn't much to begin with the developer wants to keep as much as possible.

The controls are simple, with the cursor keys allowing you to move and jump, while later on you get the ability to shoot notes at the monsters. The controls can come across as a little sluggish at times, usually when you're trying to jump over a gap and accuracy is key.



In Level 2 we get to explore Mozart's house, though I have a sneaking suspicion that this is not an accurate portrayal of Mozart's real house. For one thing, I don't think Mozart's house is composed entirely of a maze, nor does it contain a ghost whose sole reason for existence is to stop you grabbing an E chord. Even that seems beyond its spectral grasp, and you're quickly back out into the psychotic candy land.



This isn't so much nightmarish as ridiculously weird. If my nightmares involved jumping around a field in the Zargos dimension firing music at demons I probably wouldn't mind. At the end of this level you're asked to jump into a portal with creepy hands, which instantly transports you to Level 3.



If Level 3 looks familiar that's because it's the Jungle Zone from Sonic the Hedgehog. There's no use trying to convince yourself otherwise - this is just a blatant theft of a level from a whole other game, except nowhere near as much fun. It's populated by these green flying worms that are almost impossible to hit because they always attack from above at a high angle.



This isn't a glitch; it's just a rip-off of a scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. There's absolutely no reason for it, and don't try to justify it by saying, "But it's a dream, woooooo! Anything can happen!" Sure, anything can happen, but anything can also happen in the conscious realm and this still looks stupid.



You jump and Level 4 just appears, like it got tired of waiting and shoved its way to the front of the queue. After the world made of Skittles and the 8-bit theft this is a surprisingly dark playing field, but still piss easy. Sure, you've got killer tomatoes, zombie snowmen and those flying pigs, but it's still just running from left to right and occasionally killing something.



After killing one more giant pig, who I guess was supposed to be a boss, this platform appears and then that's it. After four boring levels, their brevity the only good quality I could find, you have this incredibly anti-climactic ending.



To be honest, Mozart himself is probably the most frightening thing about this game. I mean, look at those eyes!

So that's Wolfi Trip - an adventure through the mind of a musical genius, which turns out to be a lot more disappointing than one would have imagined.