Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I'd like to try something a little different this week. I know there have been some changes with Big Mean Flash Gamer recently, and I know I'm expected to review a crappy game this week, but I have something else in mind. It's actually a review I've wanted to write for quite some time, and since I can't be bothered to spend any more time looking for something to review I might as well do it this week. Instead of focusing on one single game that raises my ire, I'm going to review an entire website of games - games so consistently bad that I could pick one at random every week for the next year and still have enough to see me well into 2011.

What site could possibly produce so many steaming piles of dung, week in and week out? Who else but

Games2Win have a very shrewd business plan, one that keeps overheads low and income high: just keep making the exact same game over and over and over. And I don't mean games that are similar; I mean the exact same game. If it's a Games2Win title, then it's either about kissing, dressing up or taking photographs. Maybe you have to park a car, but that's as complicated as it gets (and my hatred of parking games should come as a surprise to no one with a brain.) Every new game is simply the last one with a new paint job - it's the equivalent of a shady used car salesman selling you back your own car with a new chassis.

But who cares if the games are all the same? AC/DC have been making the same record for almost forty years and no one gives them crap about it. The difference is AC/DC rock your socks off while these games blow chunks. Oh, they're put together well, but it's still very basic stuff, lacking the spark or ingenuity you find in online favourites. You'd think, after 18,000,000 attempts, they'd at least know how to make a fun dress-up game, but you'd be wrong and I'd laugh at your gullibility.

Another issue I have with Games2Win is its depiction of men and women. They can't decide whether women are shallow ditzes with only boys, shopping and more boys on their mind or evil harpies who tear your heart into pieces while cackling maniacally. Men fare no better; depending on who's coding the game males are either wimpy nice guys (even when they're bad boys) or total bastards. Three-dimensional characters? Games2Win need not such things.

It's actually depressing in a way, because all of their games directed at girls and young women are based around pleasing men, while all the games directed towards guys see you hopelessly debasing yourself for a dream girl (that is, when the game isn't trying to entice you with pathetic attempts at titillation.)

I know, if the games are so bad, I could have just picked one, knocked out a few hundred words and kicked back for the rest of the evening. But Games2Win produce titles of such consistently poor quality that I finally snapped. This is a site that produces more rubbish than Addicting Games and combined and it shows little sign of slowing down. The only word to truly describe Games2Win is ricockulous - that any game site can be so totally devoid of innovation, imagination or fun boggles the mind.

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