Destructo Truck

So here I am, lucky enough to have a few pretty darn good games over the last few days, and thinking about which one I should review for this week's Big Mean Flash Gamer. Tough call, really; adventure, action, puzzles - I've played a pretty wide variety this past week and been thoroughly entertained.

But only one of those games allows me to drive a lorry down a ramp and crash it into a never ending line of buildings. That game is Destructo Truck.



Destructo Truck gets points immediately because it reminds me of the always wonderful Indestructo Tank series. But while those games have you driving along, merrily smashing into enemy aircraft and vehicles, Destructo Truck eschews any meaningful narrative or in-depth character development and instead focuses on building bashing goodness. It's a bit like when Michael Bay told the screenwriters of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen to remove anything that slowed down the pace or gave a hint of character development. Except Revenge of the Fallen was shite and Destructo Truck rocks your socks off.



Still, I expect Mikey boy would appreciate this game. It taps into something that I believe all men have, which is the innate desire to burn things and jump on stuff. All that Destructo Truck asks of you is that you drive as fast as possible down a long ramp, sail off the end and then sit back as your truck barrels through building after building, creating the longest "Smash Streak" possible to access power-ups and bonuses. With the salvage from destroyed buildings you can purchase upgrades for your truck, even redesiging the chassis and body of the vehicle.



That's really all there is to it. In that regard, Destructo Truck probably doesn't have a lot of replay value. But there's something deeply satisfying - even cathartic - about watching a bright yellow truck smash its way through 57 buildings and businesses before rolling slowly to a stop. It's the same reason a game like Burnout is so popular: all the thrill of a grinding car crash straight out a Bourne movie but without the annoyance of serious injury or insurance claims.



Controls are simple - the right arrow to accelerate and the Space bar for everything else. Upgrade rockets, your engine etc. and watch the truck roll trough buildings like they were made of paper. Can't get much better than that! The graphics are exceedlingly simple, but then nobody's playing this for its remarkable visuals. Everything does the job just fine, so while it doesn't win any awards for innovation, one can't fault Destructo Truck for focusing simply on getting the fundamentals right.



Destructo Truck is big, dumb and lots of fun, so it gets a thumbs up for that. It cares little for your serious Earth, revelling instead in a ridiculous concept. and can't help but entertain.

Enough Plumbers

Hey, you! Yes, you, the person who isn't my fiancée (thanks for the hits, baby)! You always loved Super Mario Bros. when you were a kid, right?

Sega player? Oh. Me too.

Hey, whatever! What I'm trying to get at is that the Mario games were and remain a perennial favourite of retro gamers. Something about the totally ridiculous concept of of an Italian plumber jumping around a weird, brightly coloured mystical realm in search of a kidnapped princess just struck a chord with people. Well, if you liked guiding one plumber across platforms and pitfalls, you're going to love doing that with fifteen plumbers! Or at least you will if you play Enough Plumbers, a game that combines puzzles, platforms and genetic cloning.



Plenty of games let you create copies of your character and have them carry out tasks to overcome obstacles, but I haven't seen many that have you controlling all of the clones simultaneously. Herein lies some of the challenge in Enough Plumbers. It's up to you to reach the flag on every level, which usually involves creating and sometimes sacrificing clones in order to cross pits and remove walls. Taking its cue from the Mario games by which it is clearly inspired, Enough Plumbers has a bright 8-bit look, simple controls and plinky-plonky MIDI music that you can thankfully mute if it gets too annoying.



This paragraph break is so I can post the above screen shot. Allow me my indulgence; watching the hero take a Superman pose and fly off to the next level can't help but raise a smile.



What helps Enough Plumbers break up the monotony of repetitive jumping, dodging and cloning are numerous power-ups than can help or hinder you if used at the wrong time. Become metal and smash through bricks, down fizzy cola and inflate into a human balloon, or eat mushrooms and experience wild hallucinations where everything is topsy-turvy, left is right and right is left! And while I may be exagerrating the extent of that last power-up's abilities, at least it's a more accurate depiction of what can happen than the Mario games ever gave us.

Just because you feel ten feet tall, doesn't make it so, man.



I will say one thing about this game - it can be a damn struggle to get through. Good hand-eye co-ordination is a must, as is a certain amount of lateral thinking. Even then, sometimes luck just doesn't go your way. Trying to complete the same level again and again is always stressful, but there are some puzzles here that can't help but raise your blood pressure tenfold.

The above level is a perfect example. I need to guide one plumber across the platforms and hit a number of buttons while a second plumber floats perilously close to rows of flame. To make things just a little harder (because hey, why the hell not?) two jumping assholes are also in the way. Maybe you'll manage it on your first try, though the more likely scenario is keyboard smashing and language that would kill a Pope. Fortunately there is a walkthrough for those puzzles that leave you simply dumbfounded.



I don't even know what to say about the final boss. He looks a bit like a cross between Mick Jagger and a gargoyle, and he shoots blue flames that turn you to stone. Difficult to beat, yes, but like everything else in the game there is a strategy to defeating him.

At the end of the day, I really enjoyed Enough Plumbers. It's clever, it's fun and it's challenging without being totally unbeatable. It's the type of game that'll help you easily kill time while also pondering the contribution of gold coins to scientific experimentation.

Robot Wants Kitty

Welcome back to Big Mean Flash Gamer, and after last week's vitriol I'm sure you're all set for awesomeness. Well, I've got it in spades with today's game, a wonderful little puzzle/platformer from our good friends Max Games entitled Robot Wants Kitty.

Sometimes it really is the simplest concepts that make for the best games. Take Robot Wants Kitty, for instance. There's a robot and a cat. The robot really wants the cat. Like, really wants it. But there's a snag. The cat is stuck at the end of a hallway which has been bricked over by monsters. Why did they do that? They're just assholes, I guess.



When the game begins you're not able to do much more than run left and right. You don't even have the ability to jump, so all you can do at first is try to avoid the baddies completely. Fortunately there's an upgrade that gives you a spring in your step not too far away; others are dotted around the large, labyrinthine level and you'll need every one if you're going to rescue that kitty. Better get a move on, though, because time is of the essence and your score is dependent on how quickly you can complete the game. The bad news is that dying adds twenty seconds to your final time. The good news is that you can cut a second for every monster you kill with the laser upgrade.



As if I ever needed a reason to shoot red monsters with a laser gun. But once you've got the laser in your little metallic paws none of the beasties are particularly troublesome, allowing you to figure your way around the many twists and turns of the level as you try to locate keys, upgrade your system and get to that cat.

Which isn't to say Robot Wants Kitty becomes a cakewalk as soon as you have some firepower. You still need to watch your step, lest you fall into a pit of boiling acid or get caught off guard by a roaming monster. But checkpoints have been kindly placed throughout the game to save you having to march all the way across the level to get back to wherever it was you died. Other games should take note of this - it saves time and keeps the player from screaming curses to your good name late into the night.

Don't tell me I'm not the only one who does that because I'm not.



The look and feel of the game is charmingly retro, with clunky 8-bit graphics and a plinking MIDI soundtrack that amazingly doesn't make one want to swallow their own tongue in annoyance. I will admit that if you don't pay attention you can get the controls mixed up; on more than one occasion I rocketed towards an enemy when I had planned to vaporise it. If you ever kicked back on a Spectrum or Amstrad, however, Robot Wants Kitty should bring back fond memories.



Death is naturally inevitable and, to be honest, some areas just set you up to fail. For example, don't shoot at the giant multi-eyed blue blob that spits laser bubbles into the air. Just don't do it. You can't kill it, even with rapid-fire shots. You're just going to piss it off and then it's going to crush you. Likewise, the ceiling decked out in acid-spitting stalactites is just taking the piss. You can get through there with a rocket pack but if you don't figure out the almost non-existent pattern of drops you'll be melted before you ever get close to the other side of the room. And no, you don't have to run through that room, but what are ya, chicken?



Still, it's all worth it when you reach that end game scene and see the robot happily hugging his kitty. Squeezing it ever so tightly, kitty's eyes bulging out of its sockets... um, maybe we should take the kitty away from the robot? We can't? The lasers? Oh, right.

So, yes, Robot Wants Kitty - proving once and for all that even metal men are capable of love.

Robot Unicorn Attack

You know, I'm ecstatically happy that I've started alternating my reviews between good and bad games because I don't think I could have waited until Christmas to comment on the sheer awesomeness that is Robot Unicorn Attack.

Robot. Unicorn. Attack. Jesus Christ. Why did it take so long for this idea to come about? This is what the internet was made for, people! There's no way to objectively examine this game, so excuse me while I figuratively fellate this piece of insane genius for the next 500 words.



Robot Unicorn Attack has you - oh God, do I even need to explain it!? If there's any justice in the world, you've already played this game! You should already know what it's about! But for the three of you who might not be aware of this incredible game's existence, I will try to outline the concept for you. You play a robot unicorn. You have three wishes (lives) that you spend racing across purple platforms, leaping through the air and leaving a rainbow trail behind you. You score points by collecting fairies and running through stars. Meanwhile "Always" by British synth-pop duo Erasure plays on a continuous loop.

It is the most amazing thing I have witnessed in my twenty-five years on this Earth.



There are only two buttons: Z to jump, X to dash. You must dash through stars or you will crash. What happens when you dash through stars? They friggin' explode! YEAH! You travel at the speed of sound, leaving a sonic boom with every mid-air leap. You become a robot unicorn Flash every time you dash. Like Canabalt, another awesome game that received the thumbs up from me, you can't stop running and must continue forward no matter how fast and chaotic things get. But why would you want to stop!? You're a shooting star, leaping through the skies, like a tiger defying the laws of gravity! You're a racing car, passing by like Lady Godiva!

What does that even mean? Who cares, it's awesome!



And there are dolphins! Dolphins who fly through the air and are your friends! This game has everything! It even has a violent death for the robot unicorn, exploding upon impact with walls or stars, the robot head flying towards the player. And through it all Erasure continues to play, until you have no choice but to sing along, determined to live in harmony, harmony, OH LOVE with the rest of humanity... just as soon as you have one more go.

But it'll never be just one more. Oh no - you play Robot Unicorn Attack once and you're hooked for life. There's no one thing that brings you back; it's the collective brilliance of everything coming together in one perfect package that makes Robot Unicorn Attack so God damn addictive. Take it as ironic humour or an earnest desire to spread joy into the hearts of cynical gamers.

This is you.



This is you after ten second of Robot Unicorn Attack.



That's how good it is.

Oh God, why am I even writing this!? I should be playing this game! We should all be playing it! Reading such heart-warming motivational phrases like, "Shoot for the Moon!", "May all your wishes come true!" and, um, "Persistence is futile!" Destroying stars, collecting fairies, running and dolphins! This is what all games should aspire to!

Robot Unicorn Attack. God damn...

The Company of Myself

So here it is once again - Christmas is less than 48 hours away, and has become tradition on Big Mean Flash Gamer, I'm taking a little time out from my usual constant stream of bile and disgust to review a game from the past year that I loved. Christmas spirit, and all that. Of course, considering I'm a cynical, bitter twenty-something whose father still thinks a bottle of Old Spice he bought at the supermarket the day before I arrived home is a good present, it shouldn't surprise anyone that the game I review this week is probably one of the most depressing of 2009 - The Company of Myself.



At first glance, there isn't much to differentiate The Company of Myself from any other 2D platform puzzle game. You control a man in a snazzy top hat through a strange, dream-like world full of platforms and bottomless pits, trying to reach a green door that will take you to the next level. It's all very simple and remarkably well-assembled, but that isn't any reason for me to mark it out for special treatment.

What most endears me to this game is the gentle humour that begins right from the preloader and on through the first few levels. It might not be laugh-out-loud funny, but it does raise a wry smile and it makes the tutorial sections seem like a lot more fun.



But The Company of Myself has more going for it than a few witty lines of text. The puzzles usually require you to reach places that seem unreachable, necessitating the use of "shadows" that replicate your movements. In the simplest terms, you perform an action, press the Spacebar, and the level will reset, but with the addition of a transparent sprite who mimics your previous actions.

You can use this shadow as a platform or to walk through barriers that block your way. They can even pull levers and activate the green doors for you, both skills that come in handy as you progress. The puzzles are simple to understand but difficult to solve, making for a challenging experience that nevertheless satisfies. I've played a lot of God awful puzzle/platformers this year, and it's always refreshing to find a title that gets the formula right.



Still, is that enough to give The Company of Myself my annual Christmas thumbs up? Probably not, but what really wins it for me is the poignant and frankly heartbreaking story that emerges in the later levels. We learn about the protagonist's lost love, a girl who helped him overcome obstacles in the past before tragedy intervened. This tale is recounted in the form of flashbacks, hazy memories that play with the conventions already set up, giving you two independent characters to control instead of numerous automatons. I don't want to give away too much about this doomed relationship, but I can say you will feel partly responsible.



Straightforward gameplay, logical puzzles, great humour giving way to an emotional final act - The Company of Myself is one of the best all-round games I've played on the Internet this year. With twenty short levels there's enough to provide a good challenge that can still be completed during your coffee break. You'll probably come back to it numerous times, however, drawn to the wonderfully constructed narrative and the incredibly sad conclusion. Because hey - sorrow and disappointment is what this season's all about, right?

Happy Christmas to all. Don't overdo it on the eggnog.

Canabalt

Hold up on the hate mail for a second; allow me to explain. I know my schedule is fairly erratic, but I didn't plan on posting this week's review so late in the evening. Oh no, I intended to get this thing written up nice and early so I could spend the rest of the evening playing Psychonauts and wondering what the hell happened to my life. Unfortunately Fate intervened to prevent my fun-filled night of telekinesis and self-loathing.

As I've mentioned before, I never do any research prior to my weekly Wednesday post. I mean, I write a blog - research would be anathema to the entire process. So what usually happens is I surf a few of my favourite Flash game sites, find a really bad game, and then write up a quick little rant. This method has worked for almost two years now, and I've never seen reason to change it. Except maybe now, because I've just spent the last four hours searching for a shitty game and I've come up with nothing. Nada. Zilch.

Sure, I've found some bad games, but nothing worth a post. And I did find one God awful game, but it's four years old so I've got to give it the benefit of the doubt. But a contemporary, terrible Flash game? Maybe I've just been too nice this week, but nothing jumped out and truly disappointed me. So, I did what any online writer with a dearth of material would do - I said, "Fuck it" and did something else.

So yes, this is one of those rare occasions in Big Mean Flash Gamer where I actually get to enjoy myself. For you see, dear readers, this last week I fell in love with a game called Canabalt.



If I told you that Canabalt has been made in five days, you might be a little wary. That's a remarkably short amount of time, unless the game you're producing is a pile of crap. However, with a talent like Adam "Atomic" Saltsman at the helm, using his own Flixel software, Canabalt is a wonderful game.

The secret is in its simplicity. You play a little black and white figure who races across the rooftops of a crumbling city, trying to avoid pitfalls and obstacles thrown in your way. The longer you run, the greater your speed, pushing your concentration and reflexes to the limit.



Canabalt endears itself to you almost immediately, from the first satisfying leap through a window, shards of glass scattering through the air. Rendered in a solid eight-bit style, this is classic one button gaming. All you have to do is press the jump button; the sprite does all the rest. Sometimes that's all you need, and when most people play these games as a distraction from work, it's nice to have a game that doesn't feel like a chore to play.



It's probably a bit hypocritical of me to like such a minimalist game, especially when I've denigrated other titles for not giving players some kind of plot or context. Canabalt doesn't bother to do it either, but it's so addictive that you hardly notice and you care even less. I have a feeling, however, that Saltsman had a story all laid out for this, one he had to remove at the last second for fear of a lawsuit:

Manhattan, 2059. Having faked his death fifty years before, Michael Jackson is finally woken from cryogenic suspension. Doctors have reconstructed his face, giving him the opportunity to now live out the rest of his days in peaceful anonymity. Unfortunately, robot Glenn Beck's 9/12 Destructobots have launched their full-scale assault on the New York liberal elite. Then the call comes through. It's Tito. The Shah of Kuwait wants the Jackson 5 to perform at his daughter's birthday. Tito really needs this gig, man.

Michael must run.



Naturally, there are all sorts of nasty objects in your way. Most of these are just boxes, designed to slow you down, which makes long jumps more difficult. There are also crumbling buildings that collapse under you as you run across them, but for my money the most difficult obstacle is the giant mangling machine that drops out of the sky when you least expect it. These things will turn you into a fine mist before you know what hit you, so make sure to keep your finger on the button.

In truth, though, you'll more often than not die because you mistimed a jump. Whether it's overshooting a small building, misjudging a wide gap or just missing a window, your little guy will usually end up falling to his doom.



I suppose I should point out some faults, since that is the whole point of Big Mean Flash Gamer. And indeed, Canabalt isn't perfect. A lot of players have commented that they'd like to see a high score table, and while I'm not too worried about how I measure up to the mutant super players who tend to post record-breaking scores, it would be nice if it recorded your best runs for posterity. I've also found problems when it comes to loading Canabalt; if you have a slow connection you might be waiting for a while. I have to suspect, however, that this had less to do with the game itself and more to do with my wireless internet connection, which can go on the fritz if the wind is blowing the wrong way.

The greyscale landscape is pretty to look at for a while, and fits in with the stripped-back feel of the game, but as the screen shakes and things begin to blur it can start to wear on the eyes. Of course, this might only be a problem because I can't stop playing the bloody game.



But searching for reasons not to like this game would be like searching for a happy goth. What strikes me most about Canabalt are the little touches that you probably wouldn't miss but which just make the game feel more well-rounded and complete. Flocks of birds fly from rooftops as you land; the sprite grunts as he jumps, runs and rolls; and even the sound of his footsteps change depending on the surface he's running across. There's also a brilliant theme that has a great retro feel but that never gets annoying.



I know that people expect me to rant and rave about crappy games - why else would you be here? (Unless you're my fiancée - hi, honey.) But hey, sometimes I play good games, too, and Canabalt has taken up a lot more of my time this past week than any online title should. I wholeheartedly endorse this game, and if even a grumpy son of a bitch like me can enjoy it, you know it must be good.

I promise to return to reviewing garbage next week. But for now, let's make one more daring escape from Tito.

James The Christmas Zebra

(This is the second of two reviews today. The first can be found here.)



There are times when I ask myself if I'm far too hard on what are essentially simple little games designed to kill some time. Looking back on the games I've reviewed over the last few months, it's not like any of them were completely, utterly, totally awful, right? (Well, maybe Bomb.) As a gamer, I have a right to be entertained, but developers have the right to make their games without jerks like me ripping their hard work apart.

But then I play a game like James the Christmas Zebra, one of my favourites, and I have to ask myself, "Why aren't these other games as enjoyable as this?"

And the answer is, "Because they're shit, and I do have a right to rip them to shreds, so fuck you." Or something like that.

Anyway, onto the review. James the Christmas Zebra (best title ever) is a remarkably fun game that first appeared a year ago. It proved so popular that the developers, The Super Flash Bros., have made new additions to the series, sending James to the circus, to the beach, and even into space.

The premise is absurd, but then that's what makes it so great. You play the titular James, a zebra who can catch stars from the sky and swing from them.



Just like that. You have two minutes to run and swing your way around the playing area, collecting cookies "because they're yummy."



You need to avoid the puddings, because 1) they're fattening, and 2) they explode, taking points with them. At the end of the game, the Newgrounds tank appears. James hops in and drives away.

No, seriously.



After which you can submit your high score, play again, or go back to the main menu. My advice is to head back to the menu, because once you've played the main game, two mini games will be unlocked forever! They're equally as fun, i.e. lots.



In Long Jump you attempt to fly as far as possible on the strength of a single swing. The idea is to hit cookies to keep going and avoid the puddings which will slow you down. It takes a little practice, but once you have the hang of it you can achieve a decent score.



In Time Attack James needs to get from one side of the playing field to the other in the shortest time possible. But watch out for puddings, as each one you hit will add a couple of seconds to your time.

These mini games compliment the main one without detracting from it. Indeed, they're great little games in their own right. The graphics are cute without being nauseating, and the controls are simple yet effective. It's obvious that the developers had a very clear idea of what they wanted to achieve, and set about doing so in the simplest way possible. the result is a game that looks great, plays like a dream and is incredibly good fun. If you enjoy James the Christmas Zebra, then check out the other games in the series, as they're equally enjoyable.

OK, that's my one nice review of the year done. Normal service will resume in 2008. Happy holidays, and I'll see you in the new year.