Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Christmas Zombie Defence

A special treat for all you Big Mean Flash Gamer fans - I will be posting two reviews today, as I will not be updating the blog at all next week. And in the spirit of goodwill, my second review will be of a game I actually *gasp!* like for a change.

But before I start fawning over a good game, I want to tear apart this very bad game - Christmas Zombie Defence.

Now, regular readers will know that I'm a big zombie fan, so a title like Christmas Zombie Defence... shit, that's the best title ever! Could you imagine the possibilities? Santa Claus with a katana in one hand and a .22 rifle in the other, blasting away at zombified elves in an effort to save the North Pole and Christmas for everyone. Hell, I could play that game all day!

Unfortunately, Christmas Zombie Defence is not that game. Basically, this is just a stripped-down version of regular Zombie Defence, but you play Santa, and all the zombies inexplicably wear Christmas hats.

Was I disappointed? Yeah, a little.

So these stick figure zombies walk towards you, and you shoot them with your gun. And for a handgun, it's got a hell of a range - in the early stages of the game you'll be clearing zombies right off the screen. Either that or Santa is one hell of a shot. But then, when you live in an area surrounded by polar bears, you gotta be tough.

The gun also has the longest clip known to mankind, as there's no need to reload, and your ammo is seemingly infinite. The result of this is that you can just run your mouse pointer up and down the screen, constantly clicking the left mouse button and mowing down everything that moves.

Oh, before I forget - the plot of the game (yeah, it has a plot) is that there's a party going on, and you have to defend it from the zombies. Let's just think about that for a moment. The zombie apocalypse has arrived, and people are more worried about getting their share of the eggnog. We are so doomed.

They must be partying pretty close to the Arctic Circle for Santa to be involved. Also, it gets dark frequently and quickly.

I'm guessing this is to add an extra challenge (or just a challenge, period)? It probably would have worked better if I wasn't still able to see everything, or if I wasn't just repeatedly firing in every direction anyway. You know what would have made this challenging? Limited ammo. You know, like in pretty much every other zombie game on the planet!

So what we're left with is a crappy-looking timewaster. And it doesn't even do that properly. You see, even little games that you play on your coffee break should have a point to them. There should be something to aim for - a crossword to complete, a puzzle to solve, a high score to attain. Christmas Zombie Defence provides none of those things. All it does is give you the opportunity to shoot zombies. Lots and lots of zombies. In silly hats.

711 zombies and I wasn't even trying! The only reason the game ended was because my finger was getting tired, and I'm not risking a hyperextended index finger for this piece of shit. Which leads me to another gripe - the Game Over screen is generic. I know I'm nitpicking, but it's really nothing more than a grey background with darker grey writing on it, and really that just won't do.

I didn't waste ten minutes of my life to see something that was made by an idiot with a copy of Paint Shop Pro who's just figured out how to use the Blur command. If you must play a Christmas zombie game... why would you want to play a Christmas zombie game? Didn't you just read this review?

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