Sunday, December 9, 2007

Woman On Top

No, this is not an attempt to include some titillating trash into the blog - this awful game with the awful double entendre of a title features nothing more risque than a kiss on the cheek. In saying that, if you have some masochistic tendencies, Woman On Top is the game for you.

Basically, Woman on Top is another one of those cheap platform type games that have you ascending to a certain height to retrieve some kind of reward. In this case, you climb platforms suspended in mid air until you reach the girl of your dreams, who gives you a kiss for your efforts. Then you do it again.

That's it. That's the whole story. Don't believe me?

Never doubt me again.

I can instantly discern that the developer of this game was a man. A man with no girlfriend. Either that, or he has the most demanding girlfriend in the history of mankind. I love my girl, but if I were to take her on a round the world trip, only for her to climb the nearest monument and demand that I follow her, I'd start having doubts - about our relationship, and her sanity.

Besides, look at this guy. He is so gay. That's OK, I have nothing against homosexuals, but this guy is obviously in denial. There's got to be a point, when you're climbing the Eiffel Tower, that you just have to stop and say, "Fuck it. You know what? I am gay." This man would have a much happier life if he stopped living a lie.

What struck me as I played this was the laziness of the developers. Your character doesn't even walk - he just slides across the ground like his shoes are covered in oil. Not to mention, if he's standing on a moving platform that happens to be going down, he reacts like he's falling. Does he have vertigo? And she's making him do all of this for a kiss? That bitch!

Once you're halfway up, you'll get a neat little message in the corner of the screen:

Oh, I'm sorry, your majesty! I didn't realise climbing a national landmark would take so much time. I apologise for the delay!

Actually, you're not even climbing the monument itself. You're jumping on platforms next to the monument. The locations are just there to help prevent you from realising every level is exactly the same.

As if guiding a slippery closeted moron across platforms wasn't hard enough, everything is out to get you, doing their damnedest to push you off and send you hurtling back down to earth. Blimps, balloons, planes - even birds.

Yeah, that's right. We might say "the birds and the bees" but the truth is, birds are hate-filled, spiteful creatures that seek only to ruin the hopes and dreams of all young lovers. Birds, like robots, are incapable of love, and therefore despise it. So now you know.

OK, where were we? Oh yeah, the shitty game. Usually the platforms are generic bog standard pieces of free floating earth, but each level has a few specific to the country in which it's based. For instance, check out the moving platforms in Egypt:

Hold on, that just looks like any old Western coffin. Are you trying to tell me it would have been too hard to make it look more like a sarcophagus? But then, considering the developers didn't even give the main character a full range of movements, perhaps I'm asking too much.

In their desperation, they start using anything they can think of, like taxis on the New York level. Taxis just floating in the sky? Fuck it, I've accepted stranger things. Although I can't for the life of me figure out what's going on here:

OK, the bicycle taxis I can deal with (if I can deal with flying bicycle taxis, I've been playing way too many games recently.) But the gondolas? That building is in Singapore, right? So why are there gondolas on this level? I don't give a fuck if the developers stuck a dragon's head on the end of it, that's a gondola. If they were going for a traditional Thai boat, they should have done a better job. Next time draw better.

Actually, let's not hope for a next time. This game veers from ridiculously easy to stupidly hard within the same level, and quite frankly, a kiss on the cheek from a skinny tramp is not enough motivation to keep me playing. I was happy when I eventually fell off because I realised if I was going to waste my time playing internet games, I'd much rather waste it on something that's good. However, this was not just a waste of my time, but the time of everyone involved in its production. Next time, try not to make something that doesn't stink like a six month old stillborn foetus, OK? Thanks.

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