Wednesday, April 23, 2008


I was having some trouble finding a game crap enough to get reviewed here. No matter what I played I found myself enjoying it to at least some degree. Fortunately, I remembered a little RPG I'd played a few weeks ago called Agyta, and I breathed a sigh of relief this evening to find it was still as crap as when I first played it.

Agyta is a Legend of Zelda clone, except instead of playing an elfin warrior trying to rescue a princess, you play a delivery boy named Limith.

No, really.

Limith has been working as a delivery boy for two years, and I'll cut him some slack for that only because he's 17, but God damn, kid, what are you gonna do with your life?

I'm much more interested in hearing the story of Limith's boss, who sends our hero on a delivery to Agyta, a new planet. I'd like to know how this man with no discernible facial features (hell, no discernible face) managed to make a success of his life, to the point that he's the manager of a successful interplanetary delivery company.

We start out in the town of Agyta. Wait, I thought the planet was called Agyta? So is the town named after the planet, or the planet named after the town? And why do I care?

At least the local townsfolk were nice enough to point you in the right direction and leave you to travel alone on an alien planet. So Limith walks through the forest (though only in straight lines - apparently the ability to walk diagonally was lost on the young man) only to find that his path is blocked by a forcefield!

I'd like to know why I wasn't made aware of this before walking halfway up a God damn mountain? I mean, the locals knew I was going this way, surely they could have let me know? So now I have to walk all the way back down to the village to find out how the hell I'm supposed to get further.

The only person with an access key is Hans. And Hans conveniently lost the key. So now I have to look for the key.

Are we having fun yet?

By the way, this key is almost impossible to find, because nowhere on the map is there anything that remotely resembles a key, and none of the NPCs have any information whatsoever regarding the location of the key. You want to know how I found the key? I consulted a walkthrough. Yeah, that's right - I cheated. By the way, this is the first puzzle.

You never see a key. You never even realise it's there until you walk over to the portal and the message tells you that you found the key. I should have stopped playing right then and there. But I'm a glutton for punishment.

Going into the mountains provides you with your first taste of combat, which is turn-based of course. Thing is, the enemies are all hard as nails. This wolf took forever to kill. And this is the first monster! They only get harder after this!

I mean, look at this fucking thing! It's huge! I tried taking it out with my Fury attack, which is bullshit really, since I lose just as much damage as the monster. And in all honesty, the rewards for killing these beasts aren't much at all.

Of course, no RPG is complete without a maze of caves and tunnels. I must admit, I like the smoke effect, though I have absolutely no idea what purpose it serves other than to obscure the player's vision.

What the fuck is that!? Oh, so now the developer remembers that we're on an alien planet. I'd like to know what kind of advanced culture can create portals that allow for interplanetary travel in the blink of an eye, but haven't any weapons more advanced than a fucking broadsword. Where are my laser guns, damn it!?

I ended up in a room with four round stone buttons and another forcefield. I can only assume the idea is to press the right buttons down to deactivate the forcefield, but by this time I no longer cared. And when you reach that point, you know the game must suck.

I would suggest you play Agyta if you really love poor Zelda clones. Better yet, just play a Zelda game. I'm pretty sure you can find one in your local video game store. They're kind of popular. Agyta, on the other hand, deserves to be forgotten quickly.

1 comment:

  1. LOL ABSOLUTELY AGREE! Shit arse game -_-