Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Score With Foxy Fans

Picking on Score With Foxy Fans may be mean. I may be harsh in attacking it. There are worse games, far worse games, than this out there on the internet, and rest assured I will play them all. But I happened across this little bundle of mediocrity and felt it was only right - nay, my duty - to rip into this poor excuse for titillation and gameplay.

As the lame double entendre of a title implies, the object of the game is to score points in order to see pictures of "foxy fans." Fans of what, I'm not sure, but I guess it's safe to assume it's American football, as you have to score field goals while knocking out black rectangles, thereby revealing the foxy fan in all her half-naked, post-feminist glory.

By the way, I should state at this point that the game appears to be some sort of tie-in with the latest American Pie movie, Beta House. Hey, remember when American Pie was an over the top but hilarious examination of teenage lust and awkwardness around the prickly subject of sex and losing one's virginity? Remember when Eugene Levy didn't whore himself out for a quick buck?

I do.

Accuracy is key, so if you have poor co-ordination or you just don't really give a rat's ass it might prove hard to hit the targets, especially as it appears one needs to do so perfectly. On the bright side, there are no lives or time limit, so you can just go nuts and hope for the best. Theoretically, you could miss three million times and still win, so if you lack self-confidence this could be the game for you.

And here's your prize. Yeah, I dunno. I mean, she is attractive, but... meh.

Indeed, if Score With Foxy Fans is tied in with an American Pie movie, it's awfully tame by comparison. Fellas, let's not lie to ourselves. You're reading this right now. You're on the internet. You could probably name eighteen different sites at this very moment where the content blows that picture out of the water for pure, unadulterated sexual arousal. Chicks in their underwear are nice and all, but they're not much incentive to play a crappy game. Hell, they could reward me with a frickin' donkey show and I'd still be reluctant to play.

Anyway, the next levels are more of the same, only slightly more difficult with every new girl. There are six of them, and while one or two are pretty foxy, the rest look like they're going for the "internet pornstar" look, but with less dignity.

This is the last level, so I've got to assume she's the hottest girl, right? I mean, she's sixty yards away and there's a good breeze blowing - she better be worth it!

Oh, wow, a cute Asian chick on the internet - who'd o' thunk it? At least she's not crying while being molested by a 47-year-old pervert with a three inch hard-on.

The target market for Score With Foxy Fans is the same as that of the new American Pie movie - idiots and teenagers too young to buy real porn. Maybe that's the connection, but it could also be that both game and film suck balls, and not in the good way.

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