Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Butt-Ski Lift

What is wrong with you people?

I don't like to complain (lie) but this is really getting out of hand. Just when I think the internet can't throw any more stupid games at me, another one comes screaming ass first towards me, pummelling me with the audacity of its ridiculousness. Before I can write any more about Butt-Ski Lift I have to don my Grammar Nazi hat and trenchcoat and ask why exactly is that hyphen between the words "Butt" and "Ski"? I could understand ski-lift, but butt-ski? What does that mean? Am I going to strap a snowboard to each cheek and slip down the slopes, hoping that I don't suffer a nasty heat rash?

I'm going to try to explain the goal of Butt-Ski Lift, but don't get annoyed with me when this paragraph ends and you're still as dumbfounded as you were the very second you first saw the words "butt", "ski" and "lift" together in the same title. Skiing, as all but most of the quadriplegics among us know, is a lot of fun. But riding up the ski lift isn't.

Hold on a second - since when was riding twenty feet above the ground on a rickety park bench, held aloft by a corroded metal cable which has warped due to the extreme cold, not been fun?

But I digress. The only way to make a ski lift ride fun, apparently, is to get your pants stuck in the chair and dangle upside down, revealing your plump, dimpled arse cheeks for all the world to see. I'm not sure how risking frostbite in one of the most sensitive and important areas of my body is supposed to be fun, but I'll go along with it, just for this review.

At least they try not to make it too difficult. All you need to do is tap the Space bar at the right moment to jump, and if your timing is correct, you'll fly through the air with the greatest of ease, wind blowing through your pubic hair. However, mistiming your jump costs you points, so if you feel like you left it too late, you're better off not risking it and just waiting for the next chair.

And huzzah! Here I am, hanging from my ankles, two cheeks to the wind. Once you figure out the right moment to jump, though, there's no more challenge. All you can do at that point is score as often as you can and see what ranking you get at the end.

The first time I saw this, I thought it said "furries" and I said to myself, "God, when I thought this game couldn't get any stranger..." But I quickly realised that the ranking system has a snow theme, with blizzards doing better than flurries, and the Flash version of Mirror's Edge doing better at entertaining me than this game could ever hope to.

Because at the end of the day, all we're doing is repeating the same bum joke over and over again. Hey, naked butts were hilarious when I was ten. But I'm twenty-four now, and I expect far more sophisticated comedy, like a naked butt with a moustache, or something. Or a spaceship shaped like a naked butt. Or maybe-

Sorry, I went off-topic there. So, Butt-Ski Lift - pretty crap, but very short, so at least it won't take up all your time. And hey, at least it isn't a messed-up freak fest like Nuclear Fart Bear, so that's something.

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