Smash Boxing

Hello and welcome to the first Big Mean Flash Gamer of 2010 - indeed, of the decade. Following last week's abomination, I hope you can understand when I say this week's game isn't as woefully awful as you'd usually expect. Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever find anything that reached the heights/plumbed the depths (delete as appropriate) of Platform Robot 2 ever again.This is not something I cry myself to sleep over. But so great was that - ugh - game's impact on me, I retreated to something that was poor, but which didn't make me want to eat my own face.

Smash Boxing is a 2D flash beat-'em-up in which four gangs vie to be kings of the street, or something, through a series of bareknuckle boxing matches. Naturally it's all very dark and gritty, with tough hoods engaging in no holds barred fisticuffs. Or at least that's the idea.



One positive thing that struck me was the impressive number of characters available. Each gang has five members, giving you a full roster of twenty to choose from. What's not so hot is how every character looks so ridiculously stereotypical, meaning it's hard to take any of them seriously. They remind me of what network executives working on 1980s TV dramas thought inner city gangs looked like. If these guys making stupid macho faces actually walked through South Central LA, they'd probably end up stripped of their clothing and tied to a lamp post outside the local VFW hall. Those characters who don't look like idiots just look scared and/or stoned, neither qualities one looks for in a street fighter.



The game itself looks OK. It's not great, but it doesn't annoy or induce a migraine. The graphics are pretty much like everything else in Smash Boxing. The controls? They're OK. The animation? It's all right. The music? Generic, but it's not awful. Such is the paucity of ideas or innovation that Smash Boxing becomes a victory in mediocrity, if nothing else.

Anyway, the game takes place in some kind of basement or alley with a boxing ring surrounded by barbed wire ropes. Doesn't that sound just a little bit like overkill, guys? Every street fight I've ever watched on Youtube has been little more than two fat men stripping to the waist and throwing wild, drunken punches. Even Fight Club kept things simple with a padded floor. It doesn't really matter, as the ropes are nothing more than a barrier for the sprites and you don't get hurt for walking up to them. It just seems so over the top that, again, any sense of drama is erased. The characters' movements are solid, if unspectacular, but hit detection and character reactions are poor. You can easily find yourself eating half a dozen punches without any chance of escape. Not being able to punch as you move backwards is also a problem; in fact, if you want to punch or hold guard, you have to stop moving completely. Attacking and defending on the move is a big part of actual boxing, so it doesn't say much for the developers of Smash Boxing that they couldn't do anything to improve the lacklustre controls.



Winning this game isn't actually all that difficult. Victory comes down to stamina above all else. Pick the guy with the highest amount of stamina and you'll be able to throw more blows for a longer period of time. Your gameplan should basically be this:

1. Step in.
2. Throw a jab.
3. Step out.
4. Repeat.

You can go in and throw haymakers and uppercuts if you want, weaving around your opponent's punches, but why bother? You're just going to tire yourself out, leaving yourself defenseless. Walk in, punch, walk away - as long as you don't get caught up in an actual fight, it's the surest path to victory.



Now, tell me this: What does it say about Smash Boxing if you can throw any and all challenge out the window within a few seconds? I'm not one of the OCD gamers who absolutely must win at any and all difficulties, so I'm not about to go back and try to beat the game with a weaker character. Besides, most of the characters have very similar stats, and none of them possess unique moves or qualities that might differentiate them and maybe allow an added layer of fun. No, Smash Boxing walks proudly down the middle of the road - not awful enough to raise your ire, but certainly not good enough to warrant repeat plays.

Transformers: Megatron Face-Off

I should state right off the bat that I was never a big fan of the Transformers. Sure, they were cool - no young boy could say no to robots that turned into things and fought each other - but they were a product of the Eighties. I, as a child of the Nineties, was too young to watch He-Man when it was still a blatant twenty-five minute action figure commercial and too old to experience the untold violence wreaked by Pokemon cards. So, although I've always appreciated the show and once owned a Transformers action figure, I've never been a fanboy for it. That's why when the first live action Transformers movie came out I was willing to give it a shot. But I should have known it was going to be a steaming pile of donkey dung as soon I saw the words "A Michael Bay Film" written across the screen.

OK, I know it's easy to make fun of Michael Bay films and that everyone does it. But have you ever thought to ask why? Well, one look at his past credits should answer that question. From the lard-like dripping sentiment of Armageddon to the "Golden Hour only" shoot of Bad Boys 2, Bay's movies have been full of style but lacking substance. That his first director credit listed on IMDB is Playboy Video Centerfold: Kerri Kendall should tell you everything you need to know.

Anyway, Transformers. One of the few things Michael Bay does better than anyone else is blow shit up. So you would have thought a film based around giant robots beating the tar out of each other would have been simple for him. Yet, somehow he still managed to screw it up! How? Because apparently none of the test audiences wanted to see CG robots fighting. No, they wanted to see Shia LeBeouf running away from the robots! Oh, and when we do get to see the actual robot wars, make sure to shoot everything with shaky, handheld cameras and extreme close-ups, like Optimus Prime was suddenly Optimus Bourne.

Anyway, I digress... a lot. The inevitable sequel, Revenge of the Fallen, is set to explode in our faces on June 24th, but while we wait for that car crash clusterfuck, let's play Megatron Face-Off!



The game is a pretty straightforward beat-'em-up. Megatron is chasing after Sam Witwicky yet again (because God forbid we make the Transformers the main focus - sorry) and it's up to you to stop him. You can choose to fight with Ironhide or Bumblebee at first, with Optimus Prime becoming available should you beat the game. This implies that the game's designers thought people would want to play it more than once. Hey, you can't fault their optimism.

It doesn't really matter who you pick, as they all have similar controls, including the same special move. In all honesty, Ironhide probably looks too much like Megatron for you to easily tell them apart, so you may prefer to play as Bumblebee.



Regardless of who you use, they're all poorly drawn, including Megatron. OK, so there's nothing technically bad about the way they look. But there's something about them that just doesn't sit right, like they're all cardboard cut-outs fed into Flash and made to perform stiff, jerky movements.

The backgrounds are nice, but they just emphasise how out of place the robots feel and how poorly composed they are.



The game also breaks the cardinal rule of beat-'em-ups by having really bad controls. Hit detection is hard to see, and though you only have two attack buttons you'll be bashing them as if this was UFC Undisputed. The AI sucks; more often than not Megatron will stand there throwing punches into the air, allowing you to step back to a safe distance and pound him down with your special attack.



All of the characters, including Megatron, have some kind of laser attack. You'll be using yours a lot, mainly because it's the fastest and easiest way to win. While you can easily dodge Megatron's blasts (on the rare occasions he uses it and doesn't just beat up nothing) he doesn't seem too fazed by you blowing chunks of armour off of him until he falls down. It sort of subtracts from Megatron's menace when, every time you beat him, he stands back up as if someone is inflating him with helium and then flies off into the sky.



If you ever needed proof that Michael Bay doesn't give a rat's ass about Optimus Prime, this picture should put away any doubts. There's just something about this depiction of Optimus that makes him look like a wimp. Maybe it's that he's airbrushed more than Beyonce Knowles, but just putting him side by side with Megatron makes you realise why he needed Shia to save his ass at the end of the first Transformers flick.



On the bright side, he does have his kickass laser sword, so at least that's something. Nobody can look like a pansy when they're swinging around a blade of pure energy.



See?



Transformers: Megatron face-Off is a perfectly fine game if you really love Transformers and/or bad beat-'em-ups. Otherwise, it's as bad as a Michael Bay script and had about as much thought put into it. If you're desperate for your Transformers fix, my advice is to close the curtains, grab your action figures and create your own robot spectacular. Hey, it's not like you could do any worse than the other guy.

Young Dragon

Kung Fu is right up there with zombie flicks, boobs and war as things that kick ass (OK, maybe war doesn't kick that much ass.) Someone over at Addicting Games certainly thinks so, which is probably why we've now got the chance to play Young Dragon, a title which even has you taking on the role of a yellow jumpsuit wearing Bruce Lee ripoff. Sweet!



Yeah, it's all real sweet until you discover the controls are based entirely around the mouse. Now, this works just fine if you're playing a top-down shoot-'em-up or similar game, but not so much when trying to play a side scrolling beat-'em-up like Young Dragon. At least it's simple - Roy (for that is our hero's name) follows your dragon shaped cursor and attacks with a click of the mouse button. He'll also jump or crouch, depending on the position of the cursor. This setup does limit his movements however - take, for instance, Roy's inability to turn around or go left.

Anyway, the story begins when some crazy looking extra from a Mad Max movie invades your dojo and kills your Master.



Damn, that's a Mortal Kombat moment if ever I saw one! The road warrior steals your Master's essence, or something, which makes him almost invincible. You set off to exact your revenge - which may or may not be a wise move, since he's an all-powerful warlord with an army of ninjas at his disposal and you're still technically a trainee.



The game itself doesn't look bad. I mean, I've seen far better graphics in my time, but it's not terrible to look at. If you got drunk and woke up the next day with Young Dragon sleeping next to you, you wouldn't feel awful about it. Until, of course, the emptiness of your shallow existence struck you and you're left alone to wallow in a pit of doubt and self-disgust...

I'm sorry, went off track there. Back to the game!



A parade of ninjas attack you for several minutes (each one politely waiting in the wings until you've killed the previous guy, much like in a real kung fu movie) until you reach this column with a dragon's head on it. Gee, I wonder what to do? If only there was some clue as to how I could get past this obstacle...



All right, so you jump up and kick the dragon's head off, and it releases some kind of red orb that infuses you with a new skill - the Ground Dragon Kick!

So yeah, a jumping kick. Thanks. The move itself can be performed by pressing the S key, but it takes so long that you're better off just forgetting about it.

Hold on a second. Let me get this straight - there are keyboard controls as well as the mouse? If that's the case, why am I using the mouse to move around and fight? What's so bad about maybe using the arrow keys to move, so I could perhaps have a little more control over where I'm going and maybe avoid a few more of the fucking ninja stars that every enemy enthusiastically throws at me from off screen?



I suppose our hero isn't left totally helpless, since power ups will occasionally drop down from the sky. Great - except since you spend most of your time over on the right side of the screen, where the bad guys are, most of these power ups land behind you, and Roy's backwards hop is stupidly slow. But they're usually worth it - weapons like the nunchuks can do serious damage, while a vial of dragon's blood will turn you into a psychotic white haired Dragonball Z cosplayer, able to kick a man's stomach out through his spine!

Seriously fun power ups, and you'll be glad for them. With only one life, you need as much help as you can get, especially since if you die you have to start whatever chapter you're on from the very beginning again. The lack of a save feature also sticks in my craw, but then this isn't a game I'm going to be going back to again and again.



The only other thing of note is the Ninja Death Theater, which allows you to watch numerous Asian men meet a violent demise. Sure, it does nothing for relations with our friends in the Far East, but it is a lot of fun.

Fun, however, is not something you'll find a lot of in Young Dragon. Sure, it's amusing for a while, but the controls soon grate and the repetitive levels quickly become boring. There are a few good Kung Fu games available online, but this sure isn't one of them.