Flash Manhunt

Oh man. I came across a few games this week that, for whatever reason, left me feeling pretty pissed off. But every time I come across a poor Flash version of a well-known title I have a certain amount of bile reserved just for it.

I mean, is it really that hard to produce a decent cut down version of these games? Why is it that out of all the Flash versions I've ever played, only Portal and Mirror's Edge have come out looking good? I suppose it goes without saying that I wasn't impressed with this really bad stick man version of Manhunt.



The whole thing is laughable from the very beginning. It starts off with our hero screeching to a halt and jumping out of his car before declaring that he's planning on killing his boss, and will we help him? It even gives you the option to say "No" and takes you back to the main menu. Who the hell is going to say "No"?

"No thanks, I just loaded the game for shits and giggles. I'm gonna go do something else now." It just seems so pointless!



Before can kill your boss, you need to get past the guards. The easiest way to do this seems to be by shanking them in the back. If you run around they'll hear you, so you need to move slowly by pressing the Shift key. You'll pick up several weapons over the course of the game, but from a distance they all look like a big stick.



All the guards have this mask on them, cribbed from the original game to add an air of authenticity, or something. I'm not sure whether it looks cool or silly, which most likely means it's the latter.



It's all insultingly easy in the early goings before hitting a certain amount of difficulty. Sometimes guards will be in a position where you can't get around them or easily attack them, so you need to make them move by catching their attention. The method of doing this can most politely be described as retarded; you basically run up to the guard, then run away before they can catch you. You really don't want them to catch you - they'll deplete your life points so quickly that you won't even realise you're in trouble until you see the "Game Over" screen.

There are trash cans all over every level, but these don't seem to do anything. The noise they make when you knock one over doesn't attract the guards - indeed, the health plan for hired goons these days isn't what it used to be, as these guys seem both short-sighted and hard of hearing. Unfortunately their knees are still perfectly fine.



These middle levels are a real pain in the ass, because if you die you have to start from the beginning each time, and you really don't want to spend that much time on a game this bad. Then, for no discernible reason, things get piss easy again. The guards are sitting ducks, for the most part, so you can take out whoever you want, whenever you want.



You also get to see the worst rendering of a chainsaw in gaming since the glory days of the Odyssey. Anyway, after about a dozen mercifully short levels, you finally reach the boss himself.



Oh, well... I guess that's that, then. Yeah, our hero pretty much abandons all thoughts of stealth and goes right in for a bloody kill. But if you had a gun all this time, what was up with sneaking around, garrotting hoodlums with copper wire?

The one thing you can say for Flash Manhunt is that it's in no way as graphic as the original. It's also in no way as good. Truth be told, I found the original Manhunt to be a pain the ass, as the focus seemed to be on graphic kills and not on excellent gameplay. This doesn't even have enough to please gorehounds, and there's nothing to appeal to the casual gamer.

Bushido

In all honesty, I don't really know how long Bushido has been out, but I really hope it's been quite some time. At least that way it's many poor qualities can be justified, if not forgiven.



At first, one would think Bushido would be another stealth assassin game, and I'm pretty sure that's what it's supposed to be. But the fact that it isn't becomes blatantly obvious from the very first level.



There's your character, hiding behind some bushes. Yes, I know his head is clearly visible, but eyecare must not be included in the castle guards' health plan. So far, so stealthy: if you time it right, you can jump up and stab the guard through the back, you coward. From then on, however, things just get screwy.



Could someone please explain to me how I'm supposed to silently cut this guy's throat if he's standing on the very end of the ledge and doesn't move? Unlike other games of this type, you can't run up the walls, so a quick attack is totally out of the question. Instead, you have to bounce from one wall to the next, grab his attention, then make a hasty retreat before facing him.



Am I the only one who sees a problem with an assassin game that features more swordfights than assassinations? And while I'm on the subject, what's up with bouncing off walls? That might work perfectly well in Fancy Pants Adventure, but it's not exactly the most graceful, ninja-like movement, is it?



It really shouldn't come as much of a surprise that Level Two is almost a carbon copy of Level One. This, for instance, is the first kill:



Drop down, hide behind a bush, wait until the guard passes and stab him. It's the exact same thing you do in the first level. The only difference here is that there are two more guards, rather than one. Oh, joy. I don't know if anyone else has mentioned it, but there's a glitch in the game that can freeze the guards completely, turning them into statues that just float in mid air, incapable of doing anything.



Well that's just great. Also of note is the sheer stupidity of the guards.



I don't expect mind-blowing AI, but if one guard can see me through a wall, I expect the guard standing on top of the wall to do the same.



Twenty kills is impressive if you don't know that there aren't even ten guards in the first mission. Despite being Hilton-esque in their stupidity, the guards are also fast sons of bitches, and they'll cut you down in one strike. On the bright side, you have a seemingly infinite number of lives, which comes in handy when you have to attempt the same level again and again and again.



Mission Two isn't a whole lot different from Mission One, but then all the missions tend to revolve around the one goal of "Kill everybody." By this point, however, I'd done away with any intention of being sneaky and proceeded to hack and slash my way across levels, killing whoever I came across and not giving a toss about anyone I left behind. It just seemed to be the easiest way to save myself an aneurysm, as there is no point in trying to play like a proper ninja assassin.

Hmm, that leaves me with another question - why would a game named after the traditional code of the Japanese samurai centre around a character who is quite clearly dressed like a ninja?



I'm not exactly sure what the correct name for these characters are, but I refer to them as Those Tough Bastards That Always Kill Me In These Games. Thank God for the ability to jump, is all I can say. Otherwise I'd be stuck there all day trying to reach the asshole's head. It is a shame, though, that my character is seemingly incapable of jumping to one side unless I am already running in that direction.

Anyway, the goal up to this point has been to enter the castle, where you will find a number of shogun that you must kill.



This is the castle. I don't know about you, but it doesn't really scream "Medieval Japan" to me. By this time, even the developer has stopped trying to pretend this is anything but a hack and slash action game, and the enemies pile on to kill you. Fortunately, this is where standing still, repeatedly pressing the attack button, comes in handy, and you can leave the bodies piled up to look like they're about to recreate the scene in Shortbus where those three gay guys sing the United States National Anthem into each other's butt holes. Or something like that.



I don't know if this is supposed to be a stairway in the castle, or an underground tunnel. Either way, it's going to require that you bounce off walls and attempt to jump onto platforms more than you'd ever want to. Mercifully, you get back outside pretty soon, where the enemy have just installed:



Spring-loaded spikes! And not just any old spring-loaded spikes, but ones that will go off even if you're just in the air above them! Yay!

I have no problem with traps, especially since I'm not having to conserve energy or lives, but at least make them so they don't go off for no apparent reason.



Yeah, I got through it. It took the better part of half an hour, but I did it. And I must admit, the ninja's expression is kind of funny. But that was not an assassination. That was Rambo in the Orient. And to be honest, that would be fine if the game wasn't so damn frustrating. Add to that the poor artwork that looks like it was knocked up on MS Paint in fifteen minutes, and the relentless repetition from level to level, and Bushido is more than just a bad stealth assassin game; it's a bad game in general.