What with Valentine's Day just around the corner, I thought I would take time to think about the guys and girls (but mainly guys) who won't be getting Valentines this year and who will probably spend most of the day in their underwear trying in vain to get off to poorly drawn Sonic The Hedgehog hentai (oh, I wish I was joking.) The truth is, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of adult games on the net, and the vast majority of them are bad. I mean, really bad. I'd call them garbage if that wasn't such an insult to actual garbage. I could spend every post for the next three years reviewing a shitty adult game, but I decided to just look at five right now. Note that these aren't the worst of the worst, but they are incredibly bad.
Now, I don't believe in censorship, but obviously I couldn't just post images of ugly middle-aged women in various states of undress. Fortunately, most of the screenshots have no nudity, but for those that do, I have concealed the really rude parts with this guy:
OK, let's do this thing. And where better to start than with the old reliable dress-up game? A perfect example of the subgenre at its shittiest is this:
You remember Shania Twain, right? She was that country singer who was incredibly popular for eight minutes about a decade ago? You don't? Oh.
What makes Dress-Up Shania Twain different from other crap dress-up games is that if you click on carefully hidden spots (here's a clue - there are three of them) you get to hear a .WAV file of a failed pornstar unenthusiastically trying to sound horny. Well, if that's the attitude you're going to have, it's no wonder you're doing voiceover jobs for third-rate sex games.
The dress-up game has always confused me - surely the average horndog wants to take clothes off the woman, not put them on. I decided that the most perverse thing to do would be if I put all of the available outfits on fake nude Shania at one time.
Oh yeah, she's so hot right now... mainly because she's wearing six layers of clothing.
Another popular pick among the horny and alone is the "erotic animation." Now there's really only one type of "erotic animation" that actually works, and that's the type that doesn't take itself too seriously. When Bitches Bitch (classy) tries hard but ultimately fails. It's not terrible - the only problem is the quality of the animation.
Oh, wait, that might be a bigger problem than I imagined, seeing as how it's a cartoon. I don't have any other shots of the animation because I really didn't want to sit through a protracted fight scene, then some awful dialogue, followed by badly animated sex. The only memorable part of this cartoon comes at the very end. The fox-man creature, having killed a dozen gangsters and banged the three "bitches," rats them out to the big boss - apparently they were supposed to have fox-man's back, and the boss was pissed off about the gunfight. The boss rewards him with a large-breasted green woman. Fox-man is just about to blow when the boss informs him that, "She has AIDS!"
Best. Line. Ever.
The problem with many sex games is that you're so focused on the game that you don't get to enjoy any of the sex. Naughty Dances is a perfect example of this. The concept is simple - this chick is going to dance and you have to strip her. How are you going to do that?
Yeah, that's right - you're going to play Dance Dance Revolution!
OK, so let me get this straight - I can either focus on pressing the right buttons and miss the stripping, or I can focus on the girl and miss too many arrows, thereby ensuring she never gets naked? I think it was Wordsworth who put it best when he said, "That's total bullshit!"
On top of that, the game is actually really challenging. If you're a DDR whizkid then you might be fine, but most regular guys will be using their hands for other things.
So yeah, if you move your fingers fast enough you can eventually get her down to her birthday suit, at which point she asks if you want to have sex. Well, gee, honey, I would, but these blisters on my fingers are preventing any kind of self-pleasure. Maybe next time you won't make me play a fucking arcade game before you take your clothes off.
OK, I want to take a moment to look at more niche titles. Without wanting to sound racist or xenophobic, most of these titles come from Japan, and many of them involve twelve-year-old girls with large breasts sitting in toilet cubicles. However, the following game is not from Japan. As far as I can tell, it's from Spain, and it's made me rethink any plans of visiting Madrid.
It appears that this game is only known as Lola And Popy. I don't have any screenshots, and I really don't think I need them. It should be pretty clear to most people what this title involves. For those of you who still aren't sure, the object is to click the mouse at the right moment so that the horse jumps over fences. If the horse clears the jump, Lola will remove an item of clothing. Get far enough and Lola will perform... acts with the horse. I'm already on thin ice with this blog, no doubt, so I won't go any further. Suffice to say, this is not a game for everyone.
From the bizarre to the educational, now, with Map Strip!
OK, first of all, without wanting to cause offence to these two women - I'm sure they're very nice people - they are not attractive. Over the years I've had crushes on various women with all sorts of body sizes and types, but these women do absolutely nothing for me whatsoever. If I was thirteen and failing Geography class, I'm sure they could get me to pay attention. But I'm about ten years too old to find this game as anything other than a chance to brush up on my geography skills.
Pick whichever of the two desperate forty-year-old models you find most appealing, and then watch as they slowly, slowly strip for you. All you have to do is correctly point out the location of a specific country. I'd like to point out something else, if I may - why is she writing about human development if this is a geography quiz? You know, it's the little things that make a game.
I think this is what they call titillation (hee hee!... Oh, what?) It's just a shame that none of this is the least bit attractive to me, or I probably would have found the game a little more enjoyable. What can I say - I've never met a teacher with a tattoo running up her calf.
I thought it was just called "Russia" now? Guess that shows how educated I am. Clearly I am nowhere near the level of the geographical genius getting her tits out in an online game.
This is Miss Marie, from the Hard level. Except it's not hard; it's just the same God damn thing again. I know I should probably shut up and just watch Miss Marie do her thing with that metre stick, but I have a girlfriend and I don't have to pretend I find this arousing.
Are we horny yet? The answer is "No." This is the sort of pose your friend Darren's mother takes when she desperately wants you to find her attractive, but it's too late because Kev's mum once made the two of you breakfast wearing a dressing gown and she's much better looking than Darren's mum ever was.
This picture is disturbing with or without the screaming head. Map Strip is the perfect example of why adult games don't work. I don't believe that anyone seriously gets off to these things. Who's going to sit down and play Map Strip when they could just watch some internet porn instead? Or better yet, why not turn off the computer and make up the images yourself? Let's face it, no one knows what gets your engine running better than you do. Is a little imagination too much to ask?
Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day.