Catapult Animal

Let's be clear here: it's not "Animal Catapult." That would have made too much sense. No, the game is called Catapult Animal. And I suppose it sort of works, as the idea is to, well, fire small animals from a catapult.

Catapult Animal's major weakness is that it's not Kitten Cannon, the standard by which all games based around animal cruelty are measured. the difference in Catapult Animal is that you don't have to confine your violent tendencies towards cats. If you hate dogs and/or rabbits, this game will no doubt cheer you up.



Each animal has its own special strengths, but I didn't really notice much of a difference. And since when did clouds become a bonus? I figured the only way to find out was by launching a few cats.



How about that? Turns out they are useless. A little white line moves up and down the meter, adding extra power or extra height depending on when you press the launch button. And what a great looking button it is - you can sit there and pretend to be the leader of the free world, a shit-eating grin on your face as your finger hovers over the button and Alzheimer's starts to eat away at the brain you never used anyway, you decrepit old bastard!

... Oh, I'm sorry, wrong blog.



I don't think it needs pointing out, but I'll take note of it anyway - that's a terrible drawing of a cat. I've seen better work from five-year-olds. I suppose I shouldn't bitch. After all, I'm no artist. But then, I'm also not uploading derivative catapult games to the internet.

Trampolines and giant industrial fans(?) keep your pet going, which is handy because these animals don't bounce very well. Much like in real life.



Now this is depressing - the dog looks even worse than the cat. It looks like a cross between a cocker spaniel and a retard, so perhaps launching this affront to God from a catapult is the right thing to do. However, it was while playing with the dog that I came across the glitch. I had heard about this but hadn't experienced it until I was getting the screenshots together.



The dog landed on top of a fan, which sent him flying off. But for whatever reason, the dog shot into the air like a fucking rocket! My score shot up exponentially, and was in the trillions before the little mongrel finally came to rest.



1,520,470,555,300 points. I think if you were to tally up the score for every game I've ever played in my entire life, the result would still be less than this. It is, without doubt, the greatest single score I have ever received.

Or it was, until the glitch occurred again!



Shit yeah! Of course, these scores pale in comparison to the one guy over at the Addicting Games website who scored 5.5394210174635e+22 (or 5,539,421,017,463,500,000,000. I wasn't even aware this number existed.) Stuff like that makes up for the fact that the rabbit looks like a weird donkey creature.



However, you don't have to wait for a glitch to get a good score in this game. There are enough trampolines and fans to keep your animal in the air for well over half an hour, which is, quite frankly, nuts. But why not give it a go? The worst that can happen is that you'll want to kick your monitor in after three minutes of the game music, a horrible dance pop loop that burrows into your skull and can only be removed by constant blasts of Slayer straight to the eardrums. At least Kitten Cannon uses Daft Punk.

My suggestion is to play this game once, because no other game will give you the opportunity to jump up and down yelling, "Fifteen trillion points! YEAH!" Then do yourself a favour and walk away. Animal abuse has never been this boring.